Don’t Kid Yourself, It’s Not All Logic

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on June 28th, 2010 | 0 Comments

Here’s something for you to ponder. Business practices are built entirely on logical thinking. Cool heads rule. Decisions are based on thoughtful analyses. Emotions are messy. They have no place in the world of commerce, and professionals who express their emotions in the workplace are weak.

Have you ever wondered why listening—the simple act of taking in a spoken message—is so very difficult to master? Intellectually, the idea of listening is easy to understand. It appears to be passive in nature; you just sit there and . . . well . . . listen. So what’s the big deal?

To begin with, listening isn’t passive at all. It requires that you fully understand the message from the other person’s point of view. You must also recognize that point of view as valid, even if it differs from your own. Contrary to prevailing opinion, being a good listener doesn’t obligate you to agree with what you hear. In fact, putting yourself in the other’s place and seeing things from their perspective is evidence of strength and insight on your part.

The other difficulty relates to the misconception I spoke of earlier, which is the disregard of the emotional factors central to any interaction. Like it or not, we are all emotional creatures. Our first reaction to any stimulus is emotional. In the split seconds before our brains kick in, our adrenal glands are working overtime and our gut reactions take hold. That means that people who appear to be basing their arguments on facts may actually be churning with emotion on the inside.

This puts demands on the listener, who must determine whether the speaker’s words are coming from a logical or an emotional base. Good listening requires your full attention on both aspects of the speaker’s words. Are his comments fact-based, reasonable, and grounded in sound principles of logic? Is she being melodramatic, with tone and gestures that are over the top? Or has he gone silent on you, closed up and shut down? You must become well versed in nonverbal communication and learn to read between the lines. The speaker’s tone of voice and body language—even when they are subtle—will give you much more information than relying on the words alone.

Here are some indicators to look for when you’re distinguishing between logic and emotion:

The words don’t match the behavior.

When a verbal-nonverbal mismatch occurs, the nonverbal takes precedence. If the words say one thing and the tone of voice contradicts it, the tone of voice tells the real story. If positive words flow from a scowling face, it’s time to stop and reassess what you’re hearing. Regardless of what is being said, look carefully at body language and pay close attention to the tone of voice. The speaker’s words will give you information; his or her behavior will give you the meaning behind the words, including important clues to the underlying emotions.

The words are overstated.

Words like always, never, obviously, and worst are all good indicators that strong emotions are present. “We never come to an agreement . . .” “You always say that . . . ” “Obviously, this strategy won’t work . . .” The reality is these statements are too harsh to possibly be true; we agree sometimes, I don’t always say that, and this strategy may, in fact, be quite workable. When you hear these red-flag words, it’s a pretty good bet emotions are running high.

The body language and/or vocal tone is out of character.

A normally calm and centered person becomes visibly tense; a friendly, warm person suddenly clamps his jaw and goes dead silent; a usually poised person loses her cool and goes for the jugular—these are clear signs that emotions are overriding customary behavior and that rational thinking is being distorted.

Making the effort to distinguish between a speaker’s logical argument and it’s emotional origin is not a passive process. When you sense the speaker’s emotions are getting in the way of a fruitful conversation, you can’t ignore them. Acknowledge the emotion; don’t discount it. Once the speaker feels heard and understood at the emotional level, you can then move forward confidently into a more reasonable and productive discussion.

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Going From “Winging It” To Winning

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on June 23rd, 2010 | 0 Comments

Imagine this. You’ve been told you must give a presentation tomorrow. It may be you’ve known for a few weeks, but you’ve been busy. Or you’ve been avoiding the necessary preparation because giving presentations isn’t your thing. Or you’re just plain scared and just want it to go away. But now the zero hour is almost here. It’s time to stop worrying, stressing, and reaffirming just how much you hate speaking before groups.

Mastering the art of presenting—and it is an art—takes training, practice and experience. It’s also a vital component of any business career, and you owe it to yourself to improve your speaking skills whenever and however you can. However, your immediate concern isn’t what you’re going to say next week, or next month, or next year. It’s what you’re going to say tomorrow.

Maybe I can wing it, you think to yourself. Then reality hits and you realize winging it isn’t going to work, and you’re totally out of options. But don’t panic. Help is at hand.

Here are some tips that will make you a better speaker overnight. 

Get Your Thoughts On Track.

If your inner voice is telling you you’re going to fail, don’t listen. Instead of picturing yourself as stumbling and unprepared, change that picture and change your thoughts. What would it be like to be a great speaker? How would it feel? What would you say and do? Then picture yourself in that role—calm and self-contained, comfortable in your own skin, able to think on your feet and handle anything unexpected that comes your way. Concentrate fully and expect to succeed. Disciplined mental focus is the ideal performance state. It is the starting point for the mastery of any skill, and presentation skills are no exception.

Serve Your Audience.

Now it’s time to turn your thoughts to your audience. Your presentation must be designed to meet the needs of the people listening to you. Who are they? How can you help them?  Don’t try to be profound or impress them with your knowledge and expertise. Speak in language they will understand, and keep it conversational, with short sentences and small words. Honor them by looking at them, speaking directly to them, and watching them for feedback. In turn they will give you courtesy and respect.

Organize Your Material.

Decide on the three most important points you want to make. Surround those points with evidence: facts, data, statistics. Introduce some good examples and stories that add a personal touch. If you must incorporate slides, decide where to put them and get them in order. Create a brief introduction that tells the audience why you’re giving them this information and what’s in it for them. Add a short summary at the end, give them an action step or two . . . and you’re home free.

Put Life In Your Delivery.

In describing a speaker, someone once said, “His voice was so monotonous that if it were measured on an EKG, he would be pronounced dead.”  Put life into your voice. Vary the pitch and volume for a livelier sound. Emphasize key words and speak at a moderate pace, neither too fast nor too slow. Keep your body loose and your gestures free and easy. If you can include these qualities in your presentation, it will make it easier for your audience to connect with you and hear what you have to say.

Speaking is a lot like golf: You can spend hours improving your game, but sometimes a minor adjustment to your swing can make everything fall into place. By focusing on any one of the above suggestions, your overall technique will improve. If you incorporate them all, tomorrow’s presentation will be a winner.

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Debate or Dialogue? The Choice is Yours.

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on June 22nd, 2010 | 0 Comments

In the United States, it’s often assumed that debate is the best way to settle disputes. In a debate, the objective is to win. Courtroom lawyers argue for opposing sides, and at the end of the trial one wins and one loses. In Congress, nonstop debates all too often end in stalemate. Political candidates search for ways to win by disagreement. Talk shows take debate to a new low—dissolving into bickering and character assassination in vain attempts to prove a point.

Even in business, you’ll see the debate method in action—with parties arguing for their own point of view, each person needing to be right . . . to look good . . . to win the day. They are silent, not to listen but only to wait until it’s time for them to state their case again.

But is debate really the best way to reach agreement and solve problems? More and more, the answer is a resounding NO! Today’s problems—at the corporate level, nationally, and in our own lives—are so vast and complex, that backing the other guy into a corner in order to win is a colossal waste of time. The win-lose method of solving problems leaves casualties on both sides, resulting in:

  • Misused resources,
  • Work that misses the mark,
  • Unintended consequences,
  • A cross-functional ripple effect that has a negative effect on everyone.

I believe it’s time to put aside our adversarial methods of resolving differences and consider a different method . . . Dialogue. Dialogue is the open and frank interchange of ideas in order to achieve mutual understanding or harmony. It’s an incredibly effective method whereby you explore alternative points of view with an open mind. You influence others, yet remain open to being influenced. In a debate, the other person is positioned as the enemy, but in Dialogue, he or she is a collaborative partner.

Here is a brief review of the steps required to enter into Dialogue, either with an individual or with a group.

  1. Provide accurate and complete information, including feelings that bear upon the issue.
  2. Use reasoned arguments to advocate your own position, not just opinions.
  3. Invite others to critique your reasoning.
  4. Inquire into others’ reasoning when it differs from your own.
  5. Voice the other person’s point of view.
  6.  Confirm others’ personal competence when disagreeing with their ideas.
  7. Regard all assertions as hypotheses to be tested.
  8. Design ways to test competing viewpoints.
  9. Be willing to change or adjust your position when others offer convincing data and rationale.

Note that throughout the Dialogue, you are showing respect for the other person, yet insisting that the ideas of all parties, including your own, are tested for validity. The goal is to find the best possible solution, not to be right or to disparage anyone else.

One criticism of Dialogue is that it takes too much time. It is true that providing accurate and complete information may take some homework and the testing of hypotheses will need follow-up. But if undertaken in the appropriate spirit, Dialogue can take less time than a formal debate. And the results are much, much better. All parties are happier with the solutions and there are fewer surprises down the line.

What does it take to become proficient in Dialogue? A number of skills are involved, including interpersonal communication skills, listening, and the ability to advocate effectively for one’s cause. Respect and courtesy toward all other parties is a must.

So take off your debating hat and set aside your need to win. Join the real problem solvers of the world in Dialogue. It’s effective, it’s resourceful, and it can elicit astonishing results.

Let me hear from you.

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