“But” Out For Good!

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on March 11th, 2010 | 0 Comments

If you’re like me, you’re immensely tired of the squabbling that passes for government in Washington. This also occurs at the state level and sometimes even locally. Our trusty representatives pay lip service to bipartisanship and collaboration, then revert immediately to their party lines. It’s smooth, it’s polished, it’s absolutely mindless, and it’s a detriment to us all.

As I listen to what passes for debate in today’s toxic political environment, I’ve been hearing one little word that’s spoken over and over. It’s become pervasive in almost every discussion, and it’s a killer word, if there ever was one. Here are some of the statements I’ve noted in the last several days:

My learned colleague has a theory . . . but . . . .

It may have been effective politically . . . but . . . .

It’s lovely to tout the benefits . . . but . . . .

 That’s a lovely idea . . . but . . . .

I understand we must get people back to work . . . but . . . .

They’re good people; they do their jobs well . . . but . . . .

I have no reason to think he was insincere . . . but . . . .

And the worst of all:

While I don’t know you, I’m sure you’re a fine fellow . . . but . . . .

Look at the damage this tiny word does. In the first place, it negates everything that has come before it. Even if he is a fine fellow, you know instinctively the speaker didn’t mean it. He is merely going through the motions of giving credit, after which he can launch into his own speech, push his own opinions, and try to convince his audience (me) that he’s right. But since I was in my “but” counting mode, I wasn’t fooled. (See how I just negated everything he was trying to do.)

Too much use of the word “but” is also condescending. It implies the other person is worthless and doesn’t count for much. Her ideas have no value and should be put aside, to be forgotten forever.

There’s danger in “but” for all of us, because we all do it. As I write this article, I’ve been conscious of how many times I’ve had to reword a sentence so I can avoid using the word. It’s so easy to start with something positive and, without realizing, turn it into something negative.

I understand how you feel . . . but . . . there’s nothing I can do.

That was a great job . . . but . . . there are ways to make it better.

I’d love to go with you . . . but . . . I have too much to do.

Here’s one easy way to get your point across without contradicting someone else. Use the phrase: At the same time. . . . This puts you and the other person on parallel tracks. He can be a nice fellow, and at the same time you can state your position. One idea doesn’t come at the expense of the other.

For the next few days, listen—to other people and to yourself. Notice how many times “but” rears its ugly head and what it does to a conversation. For the most part, you’ll find it’s not meant to be argumentative or demeaning. It just turns out to be that way. As time goes by, you’ll begin to catch yourself and reword your sentences before they do any damage. You’ll be a much better communicator for having made the effort


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