My way or the highway? Not if you want to be effective!

Filed Under Influence, Leadership | Leave a Comment

It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. I seem to have spent my lifetime learning the same lessons over and over again. Just when I think I’ve conquered a bad habit, it rears its ugly head and bites me where I least expect it.

I have just spent two weeks working on projects with diverse groups of people. At VoicePro, we use the DISC Behavioral Assessment to help clients understand how individual work styles impact relationships. It’s one thing to understand the DISC principles, another to know them well enough to teach them to others, and quite another to respond appropriately when the need arises in real life.

According to the DISC, I am highly results-oriented. At the start of a project, I want to come in, take stock, dive in, barrel through, and be done with it. No chit chat. No messing around. But if I want to accomplish anything, I have to remember: MOST OTHER PEOPLE DON’T WORK THAT WAY. So I must stop, press my reset button, and proceed with a softer touch. Sometimes, I can manage this quite well; at other times it’s not so easy.

Here’s what I’ve learned—or relearned—or re-relearned—about myself and how to work with others. And while my work style may be different from yours, the lessons I continually have to teach myself might be of value to you as well. I hope so, anyway.

Know yourself.  This is where the DISC Assessment and other “personality” type instruments come in handy. You can easily see how your personal characteristics have become your strengths and how, taken to the extreme, they can get you in trouble. Being results-oriented, I put my blinders on and head for the goal. I get a lot done that way. On the other hand, I must be careful not to ride roughshod over people in my zeal to reach the finish line. They tend not to like it very much.

With the DISC you are also able to see how other people differ from you. And how that’s all right. If we were all alike, it would be a pretty dull world. (And if everyone was like me, the details would be lost and gone forever.)

Don’t take yourself too seriously. This is important advice for me. Once I understand what makes me tick and I accept that reality, I need to lighten up. If I use my work style as an excuse for unacceptable behavior, I negate the whole purpose of the assessment. Instead, I can turn it to my advantage by recognizing the humor in the human condition—and in mine.

While you are settling down to analyze the situation, weigh all the arguments, and check your data one more time before making a decision, I’m probably tapping my foot, snapping my fingers, and muttering, “c’mon, c’mon,” under my breath. But if we can recognize the fact that we could easily make each other crazy and then laugh about it, odds are that I will be more patient and you’ll decide a little more quickly.

Keep your mouth shut. Okay, I know you probably don’t need to be told this, but I do. Over and over again. “You don’t have to be right all the time, Carolyn,” I tell myself. “Even if you are right, you don’t have to be right.”

The impulse to argue is alive and well in most of us. If that’s the case with you, stop and ask yourself what’s more important: to win the argument or cultivate the relationship. Most of the time you’ll be better off if you opt for the relationship.

Recognizing and celebrating different behavioral styles is the hallmark of someone with excellent interpersonal skills and is good practice for all of us. And while it’s easy to understand, it’s not so easy to accomplish. The learning continues throughout our careers, and it never hurts to have a refresher course—either in the classroom or the laboratory of real life.

Image by nickwheeleroz

 

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Where’s Your Reset Button?

Filed Under Relaxation | 1 Comment

My husband and I recently purchased a wooden wall sculpture from the folks at Story People. It’s made up of small blocks of wood in different shapes and bright colors designed to look like an abstract human being. It has legs but no arms, and an undersized, square, yellow head with a semblance of a face imprinted on it. Hinged on its chest is a turquoise door, and inside—written in childish block letters—are these words: He discovered his reset button early on & there were not many things that bothered him all the rest of his days just because of that.

How silly, I thought initially, but how fun. Then I changed my mind, because the more I thought about it, the more meaningful this simple statement became for me. Finally, I got to wondering why I felt this was such an important message.

What does the reset button mean in today’s crazy world? Technologically, to reset means to default to one’s original position. To go back to the beginning and start over. And looking back, there have been moments in my life when I wished I could go back and start again—do things differently or be a better person. But we can’t rewrite our personal history, no matter how much we would like to. In those situations, we can only hope we’ve learned from our mistakes and resolve to do better going forward.

Instead, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can make use of the reset button in the present, during my everyday activities. Here’s what I’ve concluded.

  • In a heated discussion, especially when I have strong feelings about a topic, it’s way too easy for me to pre-empt other people and take over a conversation. “Well, tell us what you really think, Carolyn,” they often say, and I know I’ve gone too far. In those instances, it’s time for me to stop, sit back, take a deep breath, press the reset button, and re-enter the conversation with a more moderate tone.
  • When I hear unsettling rumors, or when someone declaims his or her point of view as reality, I can avoid jumping to conclusions by pausing, pressing the reset button, and listening critically. This means I will probe for facts and look for evidence that either supports or refutes what I’m hearing. At that point I can make decisions based upon my own knowledge, not the biases of other people.
  • When someone pushes my hot buttons (which happens more than I would like), I can use the reset button to keep me from becoming defensive. I can sit back, let go of the muscle tension that builds when I feel attacked, and breathe. I can then diffuse the situation with a bit of humor. Or I can simply walk away.

For me, having a handy reset button will keep me from over-reacting. For you, it might serve a different purpose. I’m curious to hear how it can work for you. Let me know.

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