Have you ever wondered why listening—the simple act of taking in a spoken message—is so very difficult to master? Intellectually, the idea of listening is easy to understand. It appears to be passive in nature; you just sit there and . . . well . . . listen. So what’s the big deal?

To begin with, listening isn’t passive at all. It requires that you fully understand the message from the other person’s point of view. You must also recognize that point of view as valid, even if it differs from your own. Contrary to prevailing opinion, being a good listener doesn’t obligate you to agree with what you hear. In fact, putting yourself in the other’s place and seeing things from their perspective is evidence of strength and insight on your part.

The other difficulty relates to the misconception I spoke of earlier, which is the disregard of the emotional factors central to any interaction. Like it or not, we are all emotional creatures. Our first reaction to any stimulus is emotional. In the split seconds before our brains kick in, our adrenal glands are working overtime and our gut reactions take hold. That means that people who appear to be basing their arguments on facts may actually be churning with emotion on the inside.

This puts demands on the listener, who must determine whether the speaker’s words are coming from a logical or an emotional base. Good listening requires your full attention on both aspects of the speaker’s words. Are his comments fact-based, reasonable, and grounded in sound principles of logic? Is she being melodramatic, with tone and gestures that are over the top? Or has he gone silent on you, closed up and shut down? You must become well versed in nonverbal communication and learn to read between the lines. The speaker’s tone of voice and body language—even when they are subtle—will give you much more information than relying on the words alone.

Here are some indicators to look for when you’re distinguishing between logic and emotion:

The words don’t match the behavior.

When a verbal-nonverbal mismatch occurs, the nonverbal takes precedence. If the words say one thing and the tone of voice contradicts it, the tone of voice tells the real story. If positive words flow from a scowling face, it’s time to stop and reassess what you’re hearing. Regardless of what is being said, look carefully at body language and pay close attention to the tone of voice. The speaker’s words will give you information; his or her behavior will give you the meaning behind the words, including important clues to the underlying emotions.

The words are overstated.

Words like always, never, obviously, and worst are all good indicators that strong emotions are present. “We never come to an agreement . . .” “You always say that . . . ” “Obviously, this strategy won’t work . . .” The reality is these statements are too harsh to possibly be true; we agree sometimes, I don’t always say that, and this strategy may, in fact, be quite workable. When you hear these red-flag words, it’s a pretty good bet emotions are running high.

The body language and/or vocal tone is out of character.

A normally calm and centered person becomes visibly tense; a friendly, warm person suddenly clamps his jaw and goes dead silent; a usually poised person loses her cool and goes for the jugular—these are clear signs that emotions are overriding customary behavior and that rational thinking is being distorted.

Making the effort to distinguish between a speaker’s logical argument and it’s emotional origin is not a passive process. When you sense the speaker’s emotions are getting in the way of a fruitful conversation, you can’t ignore them. Acknowledge the emotion; don’t discount it. Once the speaker feels heard and understood at the emotional level, you can then move forward confidently into a more reasonable and productive discussion.

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Mastering the art of presenting—and it is an art—takes training, practice and experience. It’s also a vital component of any business career, and you owe it to yourself to improve your speaking skills whenever and however you can. However, your immediate concern isn’t what you’re going to say next week, or next month, or next year. It’s what you’re going to say tomorrow.

Maybe I can wing it, you think to yourself. Then reality hits and you realize winging it isn’t going to work, and you’re totally out of options. But don’t panic. Help is at hand.

Here are some tips that will make you a better speaker overnight. 

Get Your Thoughts On Track.

If your inner voice is telling you you’re going to fail, don’t listen. Instead of picturing yourself as stumbling and unprepared, change that picture and change your thoughts. What would it be like to be a great speaker? How would it feel? What would you say and do? Then picture yourself in that role—calm and self-contained, comfortable in your own skin, able to think on your feet and handle anything unexpected that comes your way. Concentrate fully and expect to succeed. Disciplined mental focus is the ideal performance state. It is the starting point for the mastery of any skill, and presentation skills are no exception.

Serve Your Audience.

Now it’s time to turn your thoughts to your audience. Your presentation must be designed to meet the needs of the people listening to you. Who are they? How can you help them?  Don’t try to be profound or impress them with your knowledge and expertise. Speak in language they will understand, and keep it conversational, with short sentences and small words. Honor them by looking at them, speaking directly to them, and watching them for feedback. In turn they will give you courtesy and respect.

Organize Your Material.

Decide on the three most important points you want to make. Surround those points with evidence: facts, data, statistics. Introduce some good examples and stories that add a personal touch. If you must incorporate slides, decide where to put them and get them in order. Create a brief introduction that tells the audience why you’re giving them this information and what’s in it for them. Add a short summary at the end, give them an action step or two . . . and you’re home free.

Put Life In Your Delivery.

In describing a speaker, someone once said, “His voice was so monotonous that if it were measured on an EKG, he would be pronounced dead.”  Put life into your voice. Vary the pitch and volume for a livelier sound. Emphasize key words and speak at a moderate pace, neither too fast nor too slow. Keep your body loose and your gestures free and easy. If you can include these qualities in your presentation, it will make it easier for your audience to connect with you and hear what you have to say.

Speaking is a lot like golf: You can spend hours improving your game, but sometimes a minor adjustment to your swing can make everything fall into place. By focusing on any one of the above suggestions, your overall technique will improve. If you incorporate them all, tomorrow’s presentation will be a winner.

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Even in business, you’ll see the debate method in action—with parties arguing for their own point of view, each person needing to be right . . . to look good . . . to win the day. They are silent, not to listen but only to wait until it’s time for them to state their case again.

But is debate really the best way to reach agreement and solve problems? More and more, the answer is a resounding NO! Today’s problems—at the corporate level, nationally, and in our own lives—are so vast and complex, that backing the other guy into a corner in order to win is a colossal waste of time. The win-lose method of solving problems leaves casualties on both sides, resulting in:

• Misused resources,
• Work that misses the mark,
• Unintended consequences,
• A cross-functional ripple effect that has a negative effect on everyone.

I believe it’s time to put aside our adversarial methods of resolving differences and consider a different method . . . Dialogue. Dialogue is the open and frank interchange of ideas in order to achieve mutual understanding or harmony. It’s an incredibly effective method whereby you explore alternative points of view with an open mind. You influence others, yet remain open to being influenced. In a debate, the other person is positioned as the enemy, but in Dialogue, he or she is a collaborative partner.

Here is a brief review of the steps required to enter into Dialogue, either with an individual or with a group.

1. Provide accurate and complete information, including feelings that bear upon the issue.
2. Use reasoned arguments to advocate your own position, not just opinions.
3. Invite others to critique your reasoning.
4. Inquire into others’ reasoning when it differs from your own.
5. Voice the other person’s point of view.
6.  Confirm others’ personal competence when disagreeing with their ideas.
7. Regard all assertions as hypotheses to be tested.
8. Design ways to test competing viewpoints.
9. Be willing to change or adjust your position when others offer convincing data and rationale.

Note that throughout the Dialogue, you are showing respect for the other person, yet insisting that the ideas of all parties, including your own, are tested for validity. The goal is to find the best possible solution, not to be right or to disparage anyone else.

One criticism of Dialogue is that it takes too much time. It is true that providing accurate and complete information may take some homework and the testing of hypotheses will need follow-up. But if undertaken in the appropriate spirit, Dialogue can take less time than a formal debate. And the results are much, much better. All parties are happier with the solutions and there are fewer surprises down the line.

What does it take to become proficient in Dialogue? A number of skills are involved, including interpersonal communication skills, listening, and the ability to advocate effectively for one’s cause. Respect and courtesy toward all other parties is a must.

So take off your debating hat and set aside your need to win. Join the real problem solvers of the world in Dialogue. It’s effective, it’s resourceful, and it can elicit astonishing results.

Let me hear from you.

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Before you answer those questions, let’s take a look at what conflict actually is. A simple definition is found in Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary: “the struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing interests, wants, needs, or desires.” A teenager’s craving to be independent clashes with a parent’s need to keep the kid from getting into trouble. A manager’s goal of achieving higher results with fewer resources (which might mean overtime) collides with the employee’s goal of balancing work and personal life. A company must cut costs in order to stay profitable, yet the employees aren’t about to give up their health benefits.

In each of these cases, the interests or needs of one party are opposed by the interests or needs of the other. As the parties struggle to achieve their own goals, conflict ensues and often escalates as they dig their heels in and defend their own positions.

Social scientists have identified five fairly common responses to conflict: denial, avoidance, accommodation, force, and negotiation (or collaboration).

Denial

To deny a problem is to pretend it doesn’t exist. Denial can be comforting. It seems to ease the pressure; if you refuse to recognize the problem, there’s nothing to worry about and you won’t have to take any action. But this is false complacency, because, whatever your reasons, your denial of the problem won’t make it go away. In fact, it will make everyone around you crazy, which is a surefire way to escalate the conflict.

Avoidance

Have you ever noticed that when you get the job, you get a phone call, but when you don’t get the job, a letter comes in the mail? Some people will go to almost any length to avoid confrontation; they want to protect themselves from unpleasantness and strife. As a short-term tactic, avoidance can provide a cooling off period. But in the long run, avoidance, like denial, does nothing to ease the conflict and will only prolong a difficult situation.

Accommodation

Accommodators believe peace and harmony are worth whatever price is demanded. They just can’t say no. If you are a people pleaser, you want everyone to be happy, even at your own expense. Doing nice things for people isn’t a bad thing; kindness and accommodation are an integral part of any healthy relationship. But don’t be misled. Habitual acquiescence establishes patterns that can be difficult to break. If you keep giving in, folks will continue to take advantage of you.

Force

On the other hand, forcers use the power of their position or their personality to control. They make unilateral decisions and let you know in no uncertain terms that they are never wrong. Sometimes forcers are shouters and sometimes they are the strong, silent types. Either way, they rule by intimidation, and people back down because they don’t feel strong enough, or don’t know how to fight back. There are times (in the midst of a crisis, for example) when it’s appropriate to make use of power to get things done. The chronic use of force, however, destroys teamwork and inhibits group participation. Over time it will exacerbate the very conflict it’s meant to control.

Negotiation

To negotiate is to reach a settlement by conference, discussion, or compromise. At its best, negotiation doesn’t end until both parties feel they’re winners, and when the person you’re negotiating with is also a colleague in life or in business, a mutually beneficial, negotiated settlement is a worthy goal.  Negotiation is neither quick nor easy. It demands patience, diplomacy, expert communication skills, and a strong desire to give satisfaction to the other side. In the long run, a successful negotiation is the way to a lasting peace.

Take a look at your own conflict response style. When you’re in the midst of a difficult situation, ask yourself, What am I saying? What am I doing? And more importantly, Am I responding in an appropriate manner—for myself and for those around me?

Excerpted from the book, Creating Balance: Moving Out of Conflict into Compatibility, by Carolyn Dickson. Oakhill Press, 1997.

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I was getting ready to leave when a woman came up to me. “Oh, that was so wonderful,” she gushed. “I just don’t know how you do it. I could never give a speech, I’m just too afraid, I know I would die right on the spot.”

Okay, so maybe they hadn’t paid such close attention. I had just delivered a talk on how to become a confident, dynamic speaker. Yet here she was, incapable of entertaining the thought of doing it herself.

The fear of public speaking is still high on the list of universal fears. Once people have experienced a bad case of stage fright, they are terrified of ever being in that position again. So the fear of being afraid takes hold, and paralysis sets in. This does not have to be. At VoicePro® we have been remarkably successful in helping workshop participants get over their fears—from nervous jitters to outright panic. Here’s how you can do it too.

Pay attention to your audience.

The biggest mistake speakers make is that they are more concerned about their own fate than that of the people in the audience. Here are some of the thoughts that go through the minds of uptight speakers: How am I doing? What if I screw up in front of my peers? Am I succeeding? Am I failing?

Notice how all these thoughts focus back in on self. When your major concern is for your own well-being, the pressure builds, and you feel more and more out of control.

Instead, turn your attention to your audience. Ask yourself what information you have that will be of benefit to them. How can you help them be better at their jobs? Look at them. See them as individuals. The more you think about the other guy, the less time and energy you will have worrying about yourself.

Be ready.

Preparation is another important component in the fight against stage fright. Organize your thoughts into a key word outline (see VoicePro’s Persuasive Model). Keep it conversational. Use short sentences and small words. I once coached an executive whose opening sentence, which he read from a manuscript, contained 67 words. It was no wonder he started off on the wrong foot and went downhill from there.

I can’t stress enough the value of practice. Often business speakers creat their PowerPoint slides, close their laptop, and think they’re ready. Not so. A couple of out-loud run-throughs before an imaginary audience will allow you to get your stumbles out of the way in rehearsal, paving the way for a smooth effort when performance time comes.

Breathe.

At VoicePro®, we place great emphasis on breathing. It helps quell the jitters when the stakes are high and you need superior communication and speaking skills.

Breath is the magic ingredient in every performance discipline, from speaking to dance to professional sports to the martial arts. Deep breathing keeps the blood flowing. It calms the nerves and improves your ability to think on your feet. It grounds and anchors you, so your hands don’t shake and your voice doesn’t wobble.

Relax your muscles.

Tight muscles are a result of the flight-or-fight response, which is the body’s involuntary response to perceived life-threatening danger. But even though we may feel like it, giving a business presentation isn’t actually life threatening, so we need to work against the tendency to tighten up.

Stretching exercises work well, as well as loosening movements such as arm swings, shoulder shrugs, and overall body shakes. Actors loosen up before a performance and athletes loosen up before competition. Business speakers could do worse than emulate their professional counterparts.

So off I went to see the canoe—–admire it—sit in it—rub my hand gently over the red paint. Unfortunately, my arrival at the store went unheralded. The store wasn’t crowded; a woman wandered through the aisles with a basket of running clothes over her arm. A white haired man examined fishing rods. But no employees were in evidence. In the outdoor department, suspended 15 feet above my head, the canoes hung from wires like giant cucumbers (not a red one in the bunch). All I could see was the bottom of each boat with the price of each in big letters pasted on the bow.

Finally, a young man wearing store colors walked by. I smiled. He didn’t. He walked on. I looked around but couldn’t see anyone else who could help me, so I kept my gaze focused on the bottoms of the canoes. Eventually, finding this futile, I walked to the front of the store where another employee was studying a computer screen.

“Can you help me, over in canoes?” I asked.

“In a minute,” he said, without looking up.

So back I went to the outdoor department. By the time I had looked at the tents, checked out all the camping gear, and examined the kayaks one by one, I realized no one was coming to assist me. I was on my own. So after one last, longing glance at the canoes floating overhead, I left the store.

Back home, I checked the store’s website one more time. Yes, there it was, just as I had read it. “…the finest quality products at competitive prices, backed by the best service anywhere.”

What’s the point of my story? It’s not the importance of good customer service; that goes without saying. No matter what our situation, sooner or later we are all consumers. Even the heads of national sporting goods chains will, at some time in their lives, find themselves buying tires, or lawn mowers, or washing machines. And they will be judging the service they get, weighing the quality from one enterprise against that of another. The rudiments of point-of-service behavior hardly need to be taught: smile, ask if you can help, know the product so you can answer questions, don’t chew gum. No, the importance of good customer service isn’t the issue here. What continues to bother me about my experience is the discrepancy between what goes into print and what actually occurs on the sales floor.

The heart of our business at VoicePro® is the relationships we form with our clients, and we know first hand how difficult it is to serve them consistently and unconditionally. One key to client satisfaction, we’ve learned is this: Set clear expectations and do your best to exceed them. We’re also careful to not promise more than we can deliver.

When outstanding service is touted as a competitive advantage, customers will anticipate white glove treatment, so the business must absolutely live up to its claims. Unmet expectations are worse than no expectations at all. This means the idea of good customer service must be more than words on a page or a bullet point in a mission statement. It means training, training, training. And a customer-oriented culture that is communicated to and embraced by everyone, from the leadership of the organization to the guys on the floor in the canoe department.

Perhaps I hit the store on a bad day. Perhaps they were short-handed because of illness. Perhaps a tie-up on the freeway caused half the staff to be late, while I just happed to be there early. Perhaps on another day I would have had an entirely different experience. Perhaps I will go back and find out. And perhaps not.

Eventually I’ll get my canoe. And when I paddle it across the lake, it will sometimes remind me of VoicePro®’s mission, our commitment to client service and the challenges it presents. It’s worth pondering on a quiet summer morning.

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Actually, it does make a difference, as advertisers well know and we, the public, have long forgotten (if we ever paid attention in the first place). Big names sell—regardless of the product and regardless of the price. Whether it’s a political candidate, a ten-million-dollar home on a private golf course, or an athletic shoe, if our favorite celebrity recommends it, we fall right in line and pony up our money to the cause. You’d think we’d know better. But we don’t.

It all has to do with likeability. Research shows that the more we like someone, the more we’re willing to accept what he or she says as the truth. Here’s how it works.

You can like someone and accept the message. This is where Tiger makes a difference to Nike, who at the time of this writing has reiterated its commitment to Woods as one of its main spokespersons. He’s a terrific golfer, we’re supposed to think. He’s good looking, I like him. Therefore, these must be great shoes. It seems ridiculous when we listen critically to the message and analyze how we’re processing the information. But it means big bucks to Nike.

You can dislike someone and disagree with the message. This is the stuff of smear political campaigns. The rationale goes like this: If one side can vilify a candidate from the other side, the sheep-like voters will drum him out of office. It’s so easy to fall into this trap. Even though I understand how this concept works, if I find myself appalled at the behavior of a public figure, it’s difficult for me to listen through my disgust to his or her ideas and judge them on their own merit.

The Greeks were well aware of this when news came of battles lost and they put the messengers to death. Kill the messenger! has become the battle cry of anyone who doesn’t want his or her ideas held up to the harsh light of day.

You can see how this plays out at work as well. If you’re in conflict with someone, or if you actively dislike one of your colleagues, notice how you almost always respond negatively to what that person says. It’s practically automatic.

You can like someone and disagree with the message. When like minds get together and hash out the pros and cons of a subject without getting personal, magic can happen. Ideas flow, and they can be turned inside out and examined thoroughly without anyone getting mad. It would be wonderful if all our interactions took place under such ideal circumstances. But unfortunately, this cannot always be.

You can dislike someone and still find value in the message. Yes, it can be done, but it’s not easy. It requires tremendous communication skills, especially the ability to listen analytically and separate ideas from personal biases.

If you think of this as a matrix with four quadrants, you’ll note that you’ll find yourself in one of these quadrants whenever you interact with someone else. It’s joyous to be around people you like and pretty much agree with all the time. High fives all around. And you will occasionally come in contact with a detestable someone whose ideas you abhor.

The trick is to be aware of where you are at any given time, and move yourself to one of the other, more constructive quadrants—like/disagree or dislike/agree—when it’s appropriate to do so. It’s the mark of an open-minded leader to be able to separate the message from the messenger and weigh ideas based on their own merit.

So check yourself. Have you joined the herd and are buying shoes, shampoo, or strategic ideas because Tiger Woods, a TV guru, or some other bigshot tells you to? Or are you listening carefully, thinking critically, and making your own informed judgments about what you hear?

Let me know what you think.

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I have just spent two weeks working on projects with diverse groups of people. At VoicePro, we use the DISC Behavioral Assessment to help clients understand how individual work styles impact relationships. It’s one thing to understand the DISC principles, another to know them well enough to teach them to others, and quite another to respond appropriately when the need arises in real life.

According to the DISC, I am highly results-oriented. At the start of a project, I want to come in, take stock, dive in, barrel through, and be done with it. No chit chat. No messing around. But if I want to accomplish anything, I have to remember: MOST OTHER PEOPLE DON’T WORK THAT WAY. So I must stop, press my reset button, and proceed with a softer touch. Sometimes, I can manage this quite well; at other times it’s not so easy.

Here’s what I’ve learned—or relearned—or re-relearned—about myself and how to work with others. And while my work style may be different from yours, the lessons I continually have to teach myself might be of value to you as well. I hope so, anyway.

Know yourself.  This is where the DISC Assessment and other “personality” type instruments come in handy. You can easily see how your personal characteristics have become your strengths and how, taken to the extreme, they can get you in trouble. Being results-oriented, I put my blinders on and head for the goal. I get a lot done that way. On the other hand, I must be careful not to ride roughshod over people in my zeal to reach the finish line. They tend not to like it very much.

With the DISC you are also able to see how other people differ from you. And how that’s all right. If we were all alike, it would be a pretty dull world. (And if everyone was like me, the details would be lost and gone forever.)

Don’t take yourself too seriously. This is important advice for me. Once I understand what makes me tick and I accept that reality, I need to lighten up. If I use my work style as an excuse for unacceptable behavior, I negate the whole purpose of the assessment. Instead, I can turn it to my advantage by recognizing the humor in the human condition—and in mine.

While you are settling down to analyze the situation, weigh all the arguments, and check your data one more time before making a decision, I’m probably tapping my foot, snapping my fingers, and muttering, “c’mon, c’mon,” under my breath. But if we can recognize the fact that we could easily make each other crazy and then laugh about it, odds are that I will be more patient and you’ll decide a little more quickly.

Keep your mouth shut. Okay, I know you probably don’t need to be told this, but I do. Over and over again. “You don’t have to be right all the time, Carolyn,” I tell myself. “Even if you are right, you don’t have to be right.”

The impulse to argue is alive and well in most of us. If that’s the case with you, stop and ask yourself what’s more important: to win the argument or cultivate the relationship. Most of the time you’ll be better off if you opt for the relationship.

Recognizing and celebrating different behavioral styles is the hallmark of someone with excellent interpersonal skills and is good practice for all of us. And while it’s easy to understand, it’s not so easy to accomplish. The learning continues throughout our careers, and it never hurts to have a refresher course—either in the classroom or the laboratory of real life.

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As a child, I loved the Pollyanna books because I liked happy endings (and still do). So when I grew up, I was dismayed to learn that the term pollyannaish had become a pejorative one, used to describe someone who is happy to the point of naiveté, someone who is unwilling to face the realities of an adverse situation. Somehow, in our cynical culture, looking at things in a positive light has become very uncool.

Our society reeks of negativism. If it bleeds, it leads, is the mantra of the news media. Politicians use fear tactics to get elected; smear campaigns have become the norm—and they work. Ideas get trashed before they’re even understood. Everywhere we look, we see fear and doubt. And because pessimism is contagious, it’s quite easy to succumb to the negative pressures and complain about everything—or just give up.

Apparently, the tendency to pessimism is a inbred trait. According to Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D., author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, “The benefits of pessimism may have arisen during our recent evolutionary history. We are animals of the Pleistocene, the epoch of the ice ages. Our emotional makeup has most recently been shaped by one hundred thousand years of climactic catastrophe: waves of cold and heat; drought and flood; plenty and sudden famine. Those of our ancestors who survived the Pleistocene may have done so because they had the capacity to worry incessantly about the future, to see sunny days as mere prelude to a harsh winter, to brood. We have inherited these ancestors’ brains and therefore their capacity to see the cloud rather than the silver lining.”

Dr. Seligman goes on to say that some people are born optimists, some are pessimists through and through, and the rest of us lie on a continuum between the two. But research shows, he states unequivocally, optimism can be learned.

I believe it’s time for a healthy dose of more positive thinking. Not the Pollyanna cliché, where everything is wonderful, no matter how awful it really is, but the kind that can see the possibilities present in almost every situation.

Granted, there’s a time for playing the devil’s advocate and a place to examine potential risk, but that’s not what this article is all about. So, if you’re tired of looking at life—and your job—from under a dark cloud, here’s how to start turning things around:

1. Begin by identifying a minor adversity, some small event in your life that triggered an adverse reaction. For example: My boss completely ignored me in the meeting, even when I made a good suggestion.
2. Now, analyze your reaction, including how you felt. I got really irritated. In fact, I stopped listening halfway through the meeting. I know my boss doesn’t like me. Nothing I do satisfies him. I’m just incompetent, so why bother.
3. The next step is to play the role of opposing counsel and argue against your response. Examine the facts; don’t let any part of your response go by without checking for its accuracy. Was it unreasonable for you to stop listening? Did that help or hurt your cause? What actual evidence do you have that your boss doesn’t like you? Has he said so? Does he criticize your work all the time? If he does, is it in the nature of a personal attack, or is in honest, constructive feedback that helps you do your job better? Are you really incompetent? You might want to list your successes, just to prove to yourself that you’re doing a good job.

Learn to catch yourself in the act of responding negatively to events. You may be surprised to find how often it occurs. Examine your initial reactions, and then refute them. You may discover that much of your negative thinking is nothing more than a bad habit.

We don’t need to live with habitual negativity that weighs us down. We can change the way we think and change the way we communicate our thoughts to others, which would make Pollyanna very, very happy.

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The premise is this: When an idea is offered, someone will like the idea, someone else will think it’s crazy, and another will be reminded of something else entirely and take the conversation in a different direction entirely. People will argue over who is right and who is wrong. Sides are drawn, arguments ensue, and nothing really gets accomplished.

The Six Thinking Hats creates an environment where everyone operates in what DeBono calls parallel thinking. That is, together people look at a topic from one side, then switch their thinking and look at it from another side, then another, and so on. By calling for people to “switch hats to one of a different color,” a group leader or facilitator can orchestrate a problem-solving session free of ego, power plays, and/or emotional outbursts.

In the past few years, we haven’t heard much about the Six Thinking Hats. Perhaps they’ve fallen out of favor. They can be such a valuable tool, however, that I believe it’s worth taking a fresh look at them.

The white hat. The white hat is about information. It is neutral and objective, concerned with facts and figures. It answers the questions: What information do we have? What information do we need? What information is missing?

The red hat. The red hat gives you an opportunity to express feelings, emotions and intuition without any need to explain or justify them.

The black hat. The black hat is the hat of caution. It helps us figure out what is wrong, what does not fit, and what is not going to work. The “devil’s advocate” wears the black hat.

The yellow hat. The yellow hat is positive and constructive. Under the yellow hat, people think of possible ways to put the idea into practice. They ask, “How can we make this work.”

The green hat. Under the green hat, people brainstorm. It’s the time to be creative—off the wall—out of the box. The green hat is a way of escaping from old ideas and making a deliberate, focused effort to find new ones.

The blue hat. The blue hat is for the management of thinking. Like the conductor of a great orchestra who brings the diverse instruments together into a brilliant, sonorous ensemble, the group leader or facilitator wears the blue hat and orchestrates the thinking of the group.

As you can see, these six colored hats cover the range of thinking needed in problem solving. Although there are many ways to put them in order, here is one example of how they can be effectively sequenced.

1. The blue hat comes first. State the purpose of the meeting and lay down the guidelines.
2. Wearing the white hat, go on a fact-finding mission. What do we know? What do we need to know? How can we get information we don’t have? What questions do we need to ask?
3. Green-hat thinking comes next. Brainstorm new ideas. Anything goes, No one can censor an idea when he or she is wearing the green hat.
4. Now is the time to think positively. Put on the yellow hat and find ways to make things work. Look for value in every idea.
5. Even though it’s been difficult, the black hat has had to wait. Only now can you examine what you’ve done with a critical eye. What’s the downside? What are the risks?
6. Finally the red-hat question can be asked: How does this make you feel? What’s your gut reaction? What does your intuition tell you?
7. Throughout, the blue hat has been managing the process, making sure people stay on track and change hats until it’s time.

This method takes personalities out of problem solving. If everyone is in yellow-hat mode, no one can turn the discussion negative. But when it’s time for the black hat, cool, clear-headed analysis takes the sting out of negative thinking. And emotion can take its rightful place when the red hat is called for.

The Six Thinking Hats can be a valuable tool in the facilitator’s bag of tricks. I hope you will give it a try.

Image by Øyvind Brunvoll

If giving feedback is this taxing on a boss, think of how it can seem to the recipient. No one likes to be judged and found wanting. If you remember, one definition of the word criticism is: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly, to evaluate. But even if the intent is to be constructive and the criticism we receive has positive features, we still latch onto the negative comments and translate them into: I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, or worse, I’m a bad person.

These destructive thoughts are the first things that have to go. If you perceive negative feedback as an attack on your worth as a human being, you’re digging yourself a big hole to climb out of before you can accept the comments as useful. You are shaping the meaning of the feedback, turning it into something that doesn’t exist. The idea is to grow personally and professionally and to take your skills to the next level. You can’t do that without accepting legitimate feedback from other people.

It would be great if everyone you encounter had read last week’s post and was an outstanding communicator, skilled in providing feedback so it was readily accepted. But that’s not always the case. It’s because folks are so uncomfortable with the task of criticizing that they often word their statements in ways that cause hurt and misunderstandings.

When you’re told you’ve done something wrong, it’s tempting to try and explain it away. “But this is why,” you say, and you launch into a lengthy attempt at justification. This way lies danger. If you’re not fully exonerated by your explanation (which is unlikely), it’s apt to digress into an argument about why you thought wrong, and you’ll end up more and more defensive—more and more uptight and angry.

Therefore, it’s up to you, the recipient, to manage the exchange so you stay in command of yourself and your brain is able to process and sort out what you’re being told. Here’s what you can do to get the most you possibly can out of a feedback session.

• Sit in an open posture with your muscles relaxed. This includes relaxing the muscles of your face so you don’t frown throughout the entire conversation. Guard against the inclination to close up when you hear something you don’t like.
• Breathe. Deep breathing will keep you relaxed and centered, especially if or when your mind begins to race.
• You can keep your emotions under control by maintaining a positive inner monologue. In spite of how it’s coming across, she has good intent. Or, He’s probably very uncomfortable and it’s having an impact on how he’s saying things.
• Listen. You don’t need to agree or disagree with what’s being said. Simply listen.
• Ask for clarification. Can you give me an example?  Is this what you meant? (and you give an example).
• If, in spite of everything, you feel your emotions ramping up, request a cooling-off period. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Can we schedule some time to discuss it once I’ve had time to process it?

At all times, keep the conversation focused on what you can do to improve, not how you can become a different person. You don’t want to become a different person; you only want to better your skills.

You cannot control what the other person says, or how he is says it, but you can control your responses. In doing so, you’ll not only learn how to improve on the job, but you’ll raise your communication skills to a higher level. How’s that for feedback?

 Image by TakenByTina

Please take a look at my article, You Can’t Fake Integrity, for a discussion of Integrity. In the meantime, let’s look at the other three components in more detail.

Expertise

My husband and I attend a Sunday evening discussion group, where we watch DVDs of interest to the entire group and discuss their content as they relate to our own lives. The DVDs are produced by The Teaching Company. Last week we were looking ahead to the next program. One particular topic had caught my eye and I suggested it to the group. Two questions were instantly fired at me, even before we examined the program’s content: “Who is the lecturer?” And, “What are his credentials?”

It goes almost without saying that, to be credible, you need to know what you’re talking about. This means becoming an expert in your field, doing your homework, and backing up your ideas and opinions with facts. We look instinctively at a person’s credentials—on a resume, in a curriculum vitae, in a biographical sketch. Who is this person? What has he done? What does she know? Are they credible?

Dynamism

As soon as our group had established the lecturer’s credentials, another question arose. One woman was passionate. “What kind of a speaker is he?” she asked. “I’ve seen too many of these programs where the subject was fascinating but the lecturer was so boring he killed the whole thing.”

One definition of dynamic is: marked by energy; forceful. At VoicePro^® we often refer to passion, which is the spirit with which you approach life. Your strong commitment to your job, your colleagues, your company—all mark you as a credible person one can believe in. If you’re content with going through the motions and just getting by, your credibility will suffer.

At the same time, this energy—this passion—must be apparent to your audiences, those with whom you communicate. “Let your light shine,” the Scriptures say. Believability comes when people feel the strength of your commitment.

Openness

One mark of a truly credible person is his or her willingness to listen to the other side (or sides) of the story. This doesn’t mean you are obligated to agree, only that you’re open to the hearts and minds of other people and willing to recognize their points of view, even if you hold a different position. If you can keep from becoming defensive when your ideas, or even your actions, are questioned, your status will rise. Keeping cool under pressure, remaining open physically and emotionally, is a sign of confidence and stature. Open mindedness shows respect for others. It also conveys a sense of your own confidence and personal power, i.e., your credibility.

These four components—Integrity, Expertise, Dynamism, Openness—are integral to building and maintaining your credibility. If any one is missing, your overall credibility will be diminished. Elements of all of them can be developed and practiced over time until they become your normal way of life. Until you don’t have to think about them ever again.

Image by ~Brenda-Starr~

The workplace is supposed to be an environment ruled by reason and logic, where feelings, i.e., emotions, have no place. Work relationships, however, are built on emotions. Emotions that are fragile and so very easily damaged. We women joke about the “male ego,” rolling our eyes when we encounter it in the men with whom we work. And women quiver with unexpressed anger when told by their male counterparts, “You’re overreacting. Don’t be so sensitive.”

The truth is we are all touchy about what we perceive as negative judgments about who we are as human beings—certainly more than we’d like to admit. Comments about what I’m doing wrong can quickly disintegrate into: I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, or worse, I’m a bad person. That’s what makes performance appraisals difficult for all parties, the giver feeling awkward and uncomfortable in the role of judge and the receiver feeling bitter and/or betrayed by yet another negative evaluation.

Two definitions of criticize are relevant here. The first is: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly, to evaluate. This definition is most often applied to literary and artistic venues and is assumed to be the role of theater, art or music critics. But it’s also the charge assigned to anyone who must make an evaluation of someone else, for any reason at all.

The second definition is: to stress the faults of. Whatever the intent of the giver, the receiver almost always views an appraisal in this light. All we hear is commentary on our faults. In fact, it is so emotionally charged, hardly anyone uses the word criticize anymore. Instead, we speak of giving and receiving feedback, as if a word change will make harsh judgments more acceptable.

I’ll discuss how to gracefully receive feedback in my comments next week. Today, however, let’s look at the practice of giving it.

In 1991, I was first introduced to an extraordinary little book entitled, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, by Roger Fisher, William L. Ury, and Bruce Patton. In this book, the authors who have been part of the Harvard Negotiation Project, offer a simple yet profound piece of advice that changed my life. If I could choose words I wish I had written and make them mine, these would be the words: Be hard on the problem and soft on the people.

Remember these words when you’re giving feedback to another person. Whether it’s a formal appraisal or a casual conversation, you must evaluate what he is doing, not who he is or the content of his character. You can value her as a human being and not be happy with her actions. When you stress the worthiness of the other person, you’re in a better position to examine the choices he or she is making.

Here are the two features of the VoicePro® method of giving feedback:

1. From your vantage point as the giver of the feedback, state what it is about the other person’s behavior that worked . . . and why. I liked the way you handled the meeting, because you avoided arguments and kept the group working together.
2. Now, state what you need from the other person in order to improve the situation . . . and why. Next time I believe it would help if you were to end the meeting on time, because people have other, equally important, commitments.

Be hard on the problem and soft on the people. By reinforcing the inherent worthiness of others, while at the same time pointing out areas where they can improve the work they do, you’ll move your moments of criticism to a high art.

Next week, I’ll address the equally sensitive issue of how to receive feedback and get your money’s worth out of it. Stay tuned.

Image by raumoberbayern

Whether or not the panel’s actions have undermined basic theories of climate change is not the subject of my comments here. What struck me about the IPCC’s situation is how dependent we are on trust when we do business with each other. To put it bluntly, the questionable actions of some—not all—of the people at the IPCC has severely damaged the credibility of the organization and has given its opponents the opportunity to call for its demise.

When you meet someone for the first time, your first thoughts are likely to be: Can I believe this person? Can I believe in this person? The word credible comes from the Latin word credere, which means to believe. So if you are credible, you’re believable in every sense of the word.

The scary thing about credibility is that you can’t decide if you’re credible. That’s a judgment call made by other people. Public perception of the folks at IPCC is that individuals there either don’t know what they’re talking about or they’ve become advocates in a cause where they’re supposed to be unbiased and impartial. Either way, they’re no longer quite as believable as they once were.

While you can’t actually serve up your credibility to other people on a silver platter, you can influence their perceptions in a significant way. There are four components of credibility where you can make a difference. They are: Integrity, Expertise, Dynamism, and Openness.

Let’s examine Integrity here. This is the big one, and it’s where the problems of the IPCC show up. When you work with someone, that person must be able to trust you implicitly if the two of you are to have a good relationship. Your word must be as good as gold. Your handshake must be binding, even if you don’t have a written contract. Your work life must be an open book, with no hidden agendas or self-serving machinations going on behind closed doors.

Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s tempting, when you want to be seen as the good guy, to hedge the truth and tell people what they want to hear. Office politics may make it difficult to be totally honest, and whistle blowers often find themselves penalized for calling attention to design flaws or violations of procedure no one wants to acknowledge. At its worst, an atmosphere of deception can disintegrate into “group think”, where everyone knows there’s a problem, but no one will step up and tell the truth.

To be credible, you must have a reputation for being honest with other people – for telling the truth even when it hurts. You can be kind, caring and diplomatic and at the same time be forthright in the way you approach your work and your relationships.

The IPCC is in trouble because it didn’t stay true to its mission: Take sophisticated and sometimes inconclusive science, and boil it down to usable advice for lawmakers. Scientists made the mistake of forming conclusions from inconclusive evidence and inserting them into their reports. This is easy to do unless you’re always on guard against the temptation to fudge—even a little—when the truth matters.

In a future article, I’ll have more on how to stay credible in today’s workplace. Stay tuned.

Image by Don Moyer

The global economy is ever expanding, and those of us who do business abroad can’t afford to jeopardize our foreign relationships through inexperience or lack of knowledge. Here are some tips to help you avoid these pitfalls.

• Be mindful of how meeting and greeting differs from country to country. Knowing exactly what to expect in an initial introduction will eliminate the potential for embarrassment.
• Learn when and how to “get down to business.” It’s customary for North Americans to want to make the deal, shake hands, and move on. In many countries, acting this way is offensive; moderate your preoccupation with deadlines and take the lead from your hosts.
• Be mindful of nonverbal signals. Americans are often considered too open and expansive. To counteract this, maintain an initial reserve and observe the customs of the country before jumping in.

  In addition, before you leave home, find the answers to the following questions. 

• What is their concept of time? Do they like small talk or do they want to get down to business? How long does it take to make decisions? Are they punctual? Other countries move at a much different pace than the United States. It’s best to check this out before leaving home.
• What is the importance of hierarchy and authority? Some countries are team-oriented, others are individualistic, and others much more formal.
• What are their rules of interpersonal behavior? What do they consider a violation of personal space. Do they make eye contact? Is a firm handshake a sign of self-confidence or an overt use of power?
• What are their core values? How much importance do they place on family, social status, income? What is their code of honor? How does this code impact their way of doing business?

While this information can enhance any business relationship, it’s absolutely critical when doing business in other countries. Observe the business practices of your foreign business associates, respect their customs, and adhere to their practices with courtesy and understanding. Following this advice may well smooth the path to lasting and lucrative relationships abroad.

Image by NASA