Before you answer those questions, let’s take a look at what conflict actually is. A simple definition is found in Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary: “the struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing interests, wants, needs, or desires.” A teenager’s craving to be independent clashes with a parent’s need to keep the kid from getting into trouble. A manager’s goal of achieving higher results with fewer resources (which might mean overtime) collides with the employee’s goal of balancing work and personal life. A company must cut costs in order to stay profitable, yet the employees aren’t about to give up their health benefits.

In each of these cases, the interests or needs of one party are opposed by the interests or needs of the other. As the parties struggle to achieve their own goals, conflict ensues and often escalates as they dig their heels in and defend their own positions.

Social scientists have identified five fairly common responses to conflict: denial, avoidance, accommodation, force, and negotiation (or collaboration).

Denial

To deny a problem is to pretend it doesn’t exist. Denial can be comforting. It seems to ease the pressure; if you refuse to recognize the problem, there’s nothing to worry about and you won’t have to take any action. But this is false complacency, because, whatever your reasons, your denial of the problem won’t make it go away. In fact, it will make everyone around you crazy, which is a surefire way to escalate the conflict.

Avoidance

Have you ever noticed that when you get the job, you get a phone call, but when you don’t get the job, a letter comes in the mail? Some people will go to almost any length to avoid confrontation; they want to protect themselves from unpleasantness and strife. As a short-term tactic, avoidance can provide a cooling off period. But in the long run, avoidance, like denial, does nothing to ease the conflict and will only prolong a difficult situation.

Accommodation

Accommodators believe peace and harmony are worth whatever price is demanded. They just can’t say no. If you are a people pleaser, you want everyone to be happy, even at your own expense. Doing nice things for people isn’t a bad thing; kindness and accommodation are an integral part of any healthy relationship. But don’t be misled. Habitual acquiescence establishes patterns that can be difficult to break. If you keep giving in, folks will continue to take advantage of you.

Force

On the other hand, forcers use the power of their position or their personality to control. They make unilateral decisions and let you know in no uncertain terms that they are never wrong. Sometimes forcers are shouters and sometimes they are the strong, silent types. Either way, they rule by intimidation, and people back down because they don’t feel strong enough, or don’t know how to fight back. There are times (in the midst of a crisis, for example) when it’s appropriate to make use of power to get things done. The chronic use of force, however, destroys teamwork and inhibits group participation. Over time it will exacerbate the very conflict it’s meant to control.

Negotiation

To negotiate is to reach a settlement by conference, discussion, or compromise. At its best, negotiation doesn’t end until both parties feel they’re winners, and when the person you’re negotiating with is also a colleague in life or in business, a mutually beneficial, negotiated settlement is a worthy goal.  Negotiation is neither quick nor easy. It demands patience, diplomacy, expert communication skills, and a strong desire to give satisfaction to the other side. In the long run, a successful negotiation is the way to a lasting peace.

Take a look at your own conflict response style. When you’re in the midst of a difficult situation, ask yourself, What am I saying? What am I doing? And more importantly, Am I responding in an appropriate manner—for myself and for those around me?

Excerpted from the book, Creating Balance: Moving Out of Conflict into Compatibility, by Carolyn Dickson. Oakhill Press, 1997.

Image by Diamond Hoo Ha Man

The premise is this: When an idea is offered, someone will like the idea, someone else will think it’s crazy, and another will be reminded of something else entirely and take the conversation in a different direction entirely. People will argue over who is right and who is wrong. Sides are drawn, arguments ensue, and nothing really gets accomplished.

The Six Thinking Hats creates an environment where everyone operates in what DeBono calls parallel thinking. That is, together people look at a topic from one side, then switch their thinking and look at it from another side, then another, and so on. By calling for people to “switch hats to one of a different color,” a group leader or facilitator can orchestrate a problem-solving session free of ego, power plays, and/or emotional outbursts.

In the past few years, we haven’t heard much about the Six Thinking Hats. Perhaps they’ve fallen out of favor. They can be such a valuable tool, however, that I believe it’s worth taking a fresh look at them.

The white hat. The white hat is about information. It is neutral and objective, concerned with facts and figures. It answers the questions: What information do we have? What information do we need? What information is missing?

The red hat. The red hat gives you an opportunity to express feelings, emotions and intuition without any need to explain or justify them.

The black hat. The black hat is the hat of caution. It helps us figure out what is wrong, what does not fit, and what is not going to work. The “devil’s advocate” wears the black hat.

The yellow hat. The yellow hat is positive and constructive. Under the yellow hat, people think of possible ways to put the idea into practice. They ask, “How can we make this work.”

The green hat. Under the green hat, people brainstorm. It’s the time to be creative—off the wall—out of the box. The green hat is a way of escaping from old ideas and making a deliberate, focused effort to find new ones.

The blue hat. The blue hat is for the management of thinking. Like the conductor of a great orchestra who brings the diverse instruments together into a brilliant, sonorous ensemble, the group leader or facilitator wears the blue hat and orchestrates the thinking of the group.

As you can see, these six colored hats cover the range of thinking needed in problem solving. Although there are many ways to put them in order, here is one example of how they can be effectively sequenced.

1. The blue hat comes first. State the purpose of the meeting and lay down the guidelines.
2. Wearing the white hat, go on a fact-finding mission. What do we know? What do we need to know? How can we get information we don’t have? What questions do we need to ask?
3. Green-hat thinking comes next. Brainstorm new ideas. Anything goes, No one can censor an idea when he or she is wearing the green hat.
4. Now is the time to think positively. Put on the yellow hat and find ways to make things work. Look for value in every idea.
5. Even though it’s been difficult, the black hat has had to wait. Only now can you examine what you’ve done with a critical eye. What’s the downside? What are the risks?
6. Finally the red-hat question can be asked: How does this make you feel? What’s your gut reaction? What does your intuition tell you?
7. Throughout, the blue hat has been managing the process, making sure people stay on track and change hats until it’s time.

This method takes personalities out of problem solving. If everyone is in yellow-hat mode, no one can turn the discussion negative. But when it’s time for the black hat, cool, clear-headed analysis takes the sting out of negative thinking. And emotion can take its rightful place when the red hat is called for.

The Six Thinking Hats can be a valuable tool in the facilitator’s bag of tricks. I hope you will give it a try.

Image by Øyvind Brunvoll

My knowledge of emotional intelligence took hold, and I couldn’t simply walk away complaining, “It’s all his fault.” So I decided to step up to the plate, practice what I teach at VoicePro®, and use some tried and true communication skills. The first step was to gain a deeper understanding by analyzing what had taken place. The analysis went something like this:

Needless to say, tension was high. Drawers were slammed, and the goodbyes were a bit less loving. For both of us, the day started off all wrong. 

So, having analyzed the exchange, what can I take away? What responsibility do I have for this not-so-happy outcome? What leadership and communication skills could I have employed?

• I could have paid attention to the climate – what was going on around us that might have interfered with good communication.
• When I saw his “head in the computer,” I might have noted it was not the time to remark, “I need to leave early tomorrow,” and expect him to hear me.
• I could have communicated my expectations more clearly. If I needed him to take an early shower, it might have helped if I had shared that expectation with him before the fact.
• I could have recognized that sometimes it’s not worth being right.

Yes, I did tell him I needed to leave early the next morning. So what? He didn’t hear me. The mere fact that I needed to prove I had told him escalated emotion on both our parts. Now we both needed to be right. Now we both dug our heels in. Now neither of us was listening.

To avoid a negative interaction with someone important in your life – whether at work or at home – follow the advice we give in  Results & Relationships™ :

1. When you’re communicating, pay attention to the climate.
2. Communicate what you expect.
3. Remind yourself that sometimes being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

If things do go wrong and you have an unintended flare-up, analyze what took place for a deeper understanding. Use the left hand/right hand column approach (as I did), paying attention to thoughts and feelings, as well as actions and words. It’s amazing what you’ll learn.

Image by Mintball 

The reality is we can’t change other people, no matter how much we want to. No matter how much they need changing. No matter how much they’re disrupting the way we lead our lives and the way we do business. The moment we try to make other people change, they dig in their heels and resist with all their might.

In any relationship, patterns of behavior are set up that tend to repeat themselves—over and over again—much like a dance. The finger-pointing method of resolving interpersonal problems implies that it’s up to the other person to break the pattern. If and when that happens, we’ll be happy to dance along to the new step. However, if we wait for someone else to take the lead, the dance is unlikely to change, and we’ll bumble along as always, forever stepping on one another’s toes.

A much better way is for us to change our behavior, to interrupt the dance by altering our steps. We’re likely to experience some stumbling around at first. But with a steady resolve, we’ll gradually draw our colleague into a new pattern, and eventually we’ll have begun a new and more satisfying dance.

The big question is: How is that done? Consider approching scenarios such as these with a mindset of personal responsibility. It goes like this: I am responsible for the success of each and every one of my relationships. This means that if you are clashing with another person at work or if you’re dealing with a “difficult” personality, it does no good to play the victim and spend your time moaning and complaining. It’s up to you to take the first step in mending the relationship.

A simple philosophy, yet profound. One that requires skill and great determination to accomplish. And a lifetime of attention. Here are some steps that will get you off to the right start.

• Embrace this VoicePro^® philosophy. Repeat out loud to yourself, “I am responsible for the success of each and every one of my relationships.” Print these words on a card and tape it to the wall of your office, your kitchen, your bathroom mirror. Carry it in your wallet. Read, think and say these words to yourself over and over again. Embed them in your mind.
• If you’re engaged in ongoing conflict with someone with whom you must work closely, pay close attention to how you’re playing out the dance. Note where your actions reinforce the patterns of chronic negativism that seem to define the relationship.
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would he describe what’s going on? Would she point her finger at you and tell you what you’re doing wrong? What exactly would he or she say?
• Examine those imagined words about you for the nuggets of truth that will likely be there. Are you so results-oriented you forget to check with other people before you take action? Do you shut down, hiding your feelings so no one has a clue what you’re thinking? Or do you display other “difficult” behaviors that keep you from working cooperatively with your colleagues. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll be able to identify those traits that get you in trouble.
• Then quietly, without a lot of fuss, alter your own behavior accordingly and begin a new dance. Watch your colleague closely and reward even a hint of an encouraging response with positive reinforcement of your own.

This practice may take time and many repetitions until your colleague recognizes the different approach and responds with a new dance of his own. It’s well worth the effort, however, and will reward you with meaningful and satisfying relationships throughout your professional career. Guaranteed.

 Image by mario zucca illustration

As a leader, you know you can’t eliminate conflict from the workplace. In fact, you want to foster it sometimes. When ideas and passionate thinkers collide, breakthrough solutions can result (even when sparks fly).

But when the office feels like a boxing ring, results can suffer as much as the participants do. According to research Tracom Group found at HR.com, 67 percent of respondents said conflict had decreased the team’s productivity. Forty-one percent said it had decreased their own productivity.

Are you seeing any of these symptoms of conflict-turned-destructive?

• People don’t seem to be listening to you
• You find yourself shouting at your staff
• You get shoddy work from capable people
• Your team balks at your instructions
• You feel a sense of isolation, like you’re the only one really working

So how do you get the trouble-makers to change?  First of all, recognize that you’re one of them. 

As a leader, your behavior sets the tone. Whether your actions were the initial trigger for the problems or you simply joined the fray, you need to take the responsibility to change the situation. 

1. Examine your style.  Have you become aggressive and argumentative?  Adjust your approach.
2. Do you avoid completely because you don’t want to deal with the ugly stuff? If you don’t deal with something when it comes up, it will only grow and get bigger and uglier.
3. Approach team members with the same respect and courtesy you expect for yourself.
4. Keep listening!  When you anticipate a fight, you focus on talking, pushing, winning. Hear and acknowledge the ideas and viewpoints of others.
5. Give feedback, not complaints. Are you energizing with constructive help or tearing down morale?
6. Leave your ego at the door. Welcome feedback about you without defensiveness.
7. Skip the blame game. You can state your viewpoint without destroying someone else’s credibility. 
8. Don’t make up your mind until you hear what others have to say. No matter how knowledgeable you are, you don’t always have the right answer.
9. Employ group Appreciative Inquiry methods. Not only can this help develop better solutions, but it can reopen the positive lines of communication.

Are you ready to get more results without the bumps and bruises of the brawl? Stop fighting…and you’ll start winning.

Image by Bouncing_Pelican

I have been peripherally involved in a number of M&A projects over the years, and I have observed one critical area relating to assimilation. Differences in corporate cultures are frequently overlooked. Brushing off cultural differences can have a negative impact from the very beginning of the M&A process as the core team, or teams, form. Underappreciating the cultural differences can have ramifications with regard to implementation time-lines and costs in ways that can be hard to measure in an analytical process.

The following example comes to mind: 

In 2009 a small, but very effective, family services nonprofit organization found itself in a seemingly insurmountable financial crisis. Tumbling stock value in the endowment, unparalleled state funding cuts, and decreases in private donations brought the organization to the brink of closing its doors.

Salvation came in the form of an M&A with a larger health organization in the area. The merger resulted in operational funding, administrative, and infrastructure support, while allowing the family services organization to continue to bring the community the high quality care it had been known for, for over one hundred years.

Everyone recognized this union as a true win/win for both organizations, and all attacked the logistics with vigor.

The brick walls began to appear when the transition teams got deep into the technical areas. One significant wall, which could not be breached, involved a software system consolidation. After working for six months to merge two systems, management came to the realization that they could not be effectively consolidated and a costly rollback was implemented.

The technical staff and transition teams were speaking a different language. Both were speaking English, yes, but language used (sometimes the exact same language) had very different meanings – meaning based on specifics within the organizations, their clients, and their processes. If these differences had been recognized early on, the decisions made would have been different; and six to eight months of wasted time, money, and energy would have been saved.

How could this situation have been avoided?

• The merging organizations must recognize that there are differences that cannot be quantitatively identified, and be willing to take steps to learn what those differences are and how to deal with them.
• Utilize a facilitator, either in-house or an external resource, who can help the parties move out of their comfort zones and expand their awareness of all available channels of communication.
• Recognize the importance of flexibility in their communication approach, based upon their audience and the situation.
• Be willing, and able, to confront issues promptly.
• Be able to move any relationship from a state of conflict to one of compatibility.
• Be able to put the “need to get results” and the “need for good work relationships” in balance, without sacrificing one for the benefit of the other.
• Take an in-depth look at a real-time relationship and what may have caused it to derail – on both parties’ parts.
• Implement what is learned – practice effective approaches that minimize the risk of derailment in the relationships, and maximize communication and collaboration.

It is hard for many in corporate America to get their arms around the importance of interpersonal skills, and how they affect the way we learn, process, and execute. Nevertheless, these skills, if cultivated, can lead to greater efficiency, and greater cost savings in most areas of business.

Image by mel.trainwrecks

Or maybe you hid yourself away in your office to avoid confrontation. Or you froze, a perfect picture of the proverbial “deer in the headlights”. It turns out that the responsibility for these all-too-human reactions lies in the connection between our emotional state and our physiology. Our nervous system is set up to protect us from danger. So, if we sense a threat, we literally feel before we think.

The amygdala, a part of the limbic system at the base of our brain, acts as an alarm. If the amygdala senses a threat, it seizes control, bypasses the rational thinking areas of our brain, and triggers a flight-or-fight response, what we can also call an “emotional hijack.”

In our history as a species, this hijack saved our lives.

Unfortunately for us today, our nervous systems are still mired in prehistoric times. They can’t seem to recognize the difference between real danger and a perceived threat, like a negative comment or criticism of our work.

You know you’ve been hijacked when – in a heated moment, your feelings trigger a physiological response disproportionate to the event itself. Fear and anxiety take over and your cognitive thinking is impaired. Suddenly out of control, your emotional response gets you in trouble, your performance suffers, and you do things you very often regret.  

Let’s look at another scenario. When fear and anxiety arise, I’m beginning to be able to manage them. On top of that, I’m starting to figure out how to create and maintain a positive emotional state. I have developed a degreee of “Emotional Intelligence.” It may be that you too have begun to exercise your Emotional Intelligence. Or, you may wonder just where to begin to increase your Emotional Intelligence. Don’t be discouraged, because it can be learned. Here is an example of how Emotional Intelligence can be learned.  

Bob is a sales executive for a major industrial firm. While his track record in sales was excellent, Bob’s “short fuse” had severely damaged his personal and co-worker relationships. When his company began to require extensive cross-functional collaboration, Bob realized that if he didn’t learn to manage himself better, his career would be in jeopardy.

Bob started working with me in executive coaching and quickly recognized that he rarely had problems with his customers because he was always “on guard.” It was draining for him emotionally, but with effort, he was able to keep his temper under control. It was a different story with co-workers, with family members, and even with friends, where his temper would flare; he would say and do things he always regretted.  

With guidance, Bob learned how to stay calm when he first felt his temper rising. He learned to work through differences with others without getting “triggered.” Within three months, Bob reported with amazement that his colleagues were suddenly becoming more cooperative.

Bob saw this as clear evidence that his Emotional Intelligence was developing rapidly. His emotional hijacking had come to an end. 

So, if I were to offer something of what Bob and I have learned, I would offer to you the ability to maintain your sense of calm. Why this one skill? When you are calm you are best able to choose how you want to act versus reacting in the moment. And, from my perspective it all begins there.

Maintaining Your Sense of Calm

• Breathe! Breathe! And then breathe some more! Breathe often, deeply, quietly and through your nose.
• Sit like Abraham Lincoln. Keep your body open and feel your back against the back of the chair. This is your power position.
• Keep the voice in your head positive. Tell yourself, “I am handling this.”
• Have a vision of the kind of relationship you would like to ulitmately have with this person. It may be as simple as being professional, courteous, and respectful. Then connect with your vision. Your actions will more likely be in alignment with your vision, but only IF you connect with it.

Image by mickiky

In today’s troubled workplace

The compatible organization. I have long been a promoter of the “compatible organization,” where employers and employees alike are accorded respect and recognition for their efforts and abilities. During hard times, this is tougher to maintain than you might think. Under stress, tempers flair; rumors flourish, giving rise to misunderstandings; and business models collapse as downsizing after downsizing weakens a company’s hard-won base.

I believe now is the time to revisit the hallmarks of a compatible organization. If we can keep these qualities in place, we’ll be ready when it’s time to grow again. Compatible organizations share the following commonalities:

• A well-defined structure that everybody understands and accepts.
• A clear understanding of goals and the role each individual plays in achieving them.
• An organization that speaks with one voice, and delivers a consistent message
• Organizational flexibility that can quickly adapt to inside and outside influences.
• Employees who treat each other with courtesy and respect.
• Talents and individuality are celebrated for the value they bring to the organization.
•  Differences of opinion are encouraged, while at the same time teams work together to solve problems.

But if we’re so compatible, why do we disagree? Even compatible organizations will experience conflict. Your interests may not be the same as mine, so we may clash. Conflict is bound to occur when people work closely together, especially during difficult times. It triggers a response that prepares us physiologically to run for our lives or fight like mad. Since these options often aren’t appropriate for managing workplace conflict, the skill of relaxing under pressure is crucial.

Relaxing under pressure includes: preparing for the encounter, keeping your muscles loose and easy, breathing deeply, making sure your nonverbal behavior signals what you want it to signal, and keeping a relentless focus on your objectives. Relaxation and focus exercises practiced throughout the day may seem a simplistic way of dealing with high pressure situations . However, they have the accumulative effect of diffusing escalating hostilities or avoiding them altogether. If you are relaxed, calm, and confident, you will be non-threatening to the people around you. If you are non-threatening, those same people will be less defensive and more open to your ideas.

The challenges in this ever-downsizing business environment are daunting and at times can be overwhelming. Building compatible organizations; promoting employee engagement; and encouraging our organizations, our human capital, to speak with one unified voice–these may be the competitive advantages that tip the scale from demise to prosperity.

Image by chrismaher.co.uk