If giving feedback is this taxing on a boss, think of how it can seem to the recipient. No one likes to be judged and found wanting. If you remember, one definition of the word criticism is: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly, to evaluate. But even if the intent is to be constructive and the criticism we receive has positive features, we still latch onto the negative comments and translate them into: I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, or worse, I’m a bad person.

These destructive thoughts are the first things that have to go. If you perceive negative feedback as an attack on your worth as a human being, you’re digging yourself a big hole to climb out of before you can accept the comments as useful. You are shaping the meaning of the feedback, turning it into something that doesn’t exist. The idea is to grow personally and professionally and to take your skills to the next level. You can’t do that without accepting legitimate feedback from other people.

It would be great if everyone you encounter had read last week’s post and was an outstanding communicator, skilled in providing feedback so it was readily accepted. But that’s not always the case. It’s because folks are so uncomfortable with the task of criticizing that they often word their statements in ways that cause hurt and misunderstandings.

When you’re told you’ve done something wrong, it’s tempting to try and explain it away. “But this is why,” you say, and you launch into a lengthy attempt at justification. This way lies danger. If you’re not fully exonerated by your explanation (which is unlikely), it’s apt to digress into an argument about why you thought wrong, and you’ll end up more and more defensive—more and more uptight and angry.

Therefore, it’s up to you, the recipient, to manage the exchange so you stay in command of yourself and your brain is able to process and sort out what you’re being told. Here’s what you can do to get the most you possibly can out of a feedback session.

• Sit in an open posture with your muscles relaxed. This includes relaxing the muscles of your face so you don’t frown throughout the entire conversation. Guard against the inclination to close up when you hear something you don’t like.
• Breathe. Deep breathing will keep you relaxed and centered, especially if or when your mind begins to race.
• You can keep your emotions under control by maintaining a positive inner monologue. In spite of how it’s coming across, she has good intent. Or, He’s probably very uncomfortable and it’s having an impact on how he’s saying things.
• Listen. You don’t need to agree or disagree with what’s being said. Simply listen.
• Ask for clarification. Can you give me an example?  Is this what you meant? (and you give an example).
• If, in spite of everything, you feel your emotions ramping up, request a cooling-off period. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Can we schedule some time to discuss it once I’ve had time to process it?

At all times, keep the conversation focused on what you can do to improve, not how you can become a different person. You don’t want to become a different person; you only want to better your skills.

You cannot control what the other person says, or how he is says it, but you can control your responses. In doing so, you’ll not only learn how to improve on the job, but you’ll raise your communication skills to a higher level. How’s that for feedback?

 Image by TakenByTina