Have you ever wondered why listening—the simple act of taking in a spoken message—is so very difficult to master? Intellectually, the idea of listening is easy to understand. It appears to be passive in nature; you just sit there and . . . well . . . listen. So what’s the big deal?

To begin with, listening isn’t passive at all. It requires that you fully understand the message from the other person’s point of view. You must also recognize that point of view as valid, even if it differs from your own. Contrary to prevailing opinion, being a good listener doesn’t obligate you to agree with what you hear. In fact, putting yourself in the other’s place and seeing things from their perspective is evidence of strength and insight on your part.

The other difficulty relates to the misconception I spoke of earlier, which is the disregard of the emotional factors central to any interaction. Like it or not, we are all emotional creatures. Our first reaction to any stimulus is emotional. In the split seconds before our brains kick in, our adrenal glands are working overtime and our gut reactions take hold. That means that people who appear to be basing their arguments on facts may actually be churning with emotion on the inside.

This puts demands on the listener, who must determine whether the speaker’s words are coming from a logical or an emotional base. Good listening requires your full attention on both aspects of the speaker’s words. Are his comments fact-based, reasonable, and grounded in sound principles of logic? Is she being melodramatic, with tone and gestures that are over the top? Or has he gone silent on you, closed up and shut down? You must become well versed in nonverbal communication and learn to read between the lines. The speaker’s tone of voice and body language—even when they are subtle—will give you much more information than relying on the words alone.

Here are some indicators to look for when you’re distinguishing between logic and emotion:

The words don’t match the behavior.

When a verbal-nonverbal mismatch occurs, the nonverbal takes precedence. If the words say one thing and the tone of voice contradicts it, the tone of voice tells the real story. If positive words flow from a scowling face, it’s time to stop and reassess what you’re hearing. Regardless of what is being said, look carefully at body language and pay close attention to the tone of voice. The speaker’s words will give you information; his or her behavior will give you the meaning behind the words, including important clues to the underlying emotions.

The words are overstated.

Words like always, never, obviously, and worst are all good indicators that strong emotions are present. “We never come to an agreement . . .” “You always say that . . . ” “Obviously, this strategy won’t work . . .” The reality is these statements are too harsh to possibly be true; we agree sometimes, I don’t always say that, and this strategy may, in fact, be quite workable. When you hear these red-flag words, it’s a pretty good bet emotions are running high.

The body language and/or vocal tone is out of character.

A normally calm and centered person becomes visibly tense; a friendly, warm person suddenly clamps his jaw and goes dead silent; a usually poised person loses her cool and goes for the jugular—these are clear signs that emotions are overriding customary behavior and that rational thinking is being distorted.

Making the effort to distinguish between a speaker’s logical argument and it’s emotional origin is not a passive process. When you sense the speaker’s emotions are getting in the way of a fruitful conversation, you can’t ignore them. Acknowledge the emotion; don’t discount it. Once the speaker feels heard and understood at the emotional level, you can then move forward confidently into a more reasonable and productive discussion.

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Actually, it does make a difference, as advertisers well know and we, the public, have long forgotten (if we ever paid attention in the first place). Big names sell—regardless of the product and regardless of the price. Whether it’s a political candidate, a ten-million-dollar home on a private golf course, or an athletic shoe, if our favorite celebrity recommends it, we fall right in line and pony up our money to the cause. You’d think we’d know better. But we don’t.

It all has to do with likeability. Research shows that the more we like someone, the more we’re willing to accept what he or she says as the truth. Here’s how it works.

You can like someone and accept the message. This is where Tiger makes a difference to Nike, who at the time of this writing has reiterated its commitment to Woods as one of its main spokespersons. He’s a terrific golfer, we’re supposed to think. He’s good looking, I like him. Therefore, these must be great shoes. It seems ridiculous when we listen critically to the message and analyze how we’re processing the information. But it means big bucks to Nike.

You can dislike someone and disagree with the message. This is the stuff of smear political campaigns. The rationale goes like this: If one side can vilify a candidate from the other side, the sheep-like voters will drum him out of office. It’s so easy to fall into this trap. Even though I understand how this concept works, if I find myself appalled at the behavior of a public figure, it’s difficult for me to listen through my disgust to his or her ideas and judge them on their own merit.

The Greeks were well aware of this when news came of battles lost and they put the messengers to death. Kill the messenger! has become the battle cry of anyone who doesn’t want his or her ideas held up to the harsh light of day.

You can see how this plays out at work as well. If you’re in conflict with someone, or if you actively dislike one of your colleagues, notice how you almost always respond negatively to what that person says. It’s practically automatic.

You can like someone and disagree with the message. When like minds get together and hash out the pros and cons of a subject without getting personal, magic can happen. Ideas flow, and they can be turned inside out and examined thoroughly without anyone getting mad. It would be wonderful if all our interactions took place under such ideal circumstances. But unfortunately, this cannot always be.

You can dislike someone and still find value in the message. Yes, it can be done, but it’s not easy. It requires tremendous communication skills, especially the ability to listen analytically and separate ideas from personal biases.

If you think of this as a matrix with four quadrants, you’ll note that you’ll find yourself in one of these quadrants whenever you interact with someone else. It’s joyous to be around people you like and pretty much agree with all the time. High fives all around. And you will occasionally come in contact with a detestable someone whose ideas you abhor.

The trick is to be aware of where you are at any given time, and move yourself to one of the other, more constructive quadrants—like/disagree or dislike/agree—when it’s appropriate to do so. It’s the mark of an open-minded leader to be able to separate the message from the messenger and weigh ideas based on their own merit.

So check yourself. Have you joined the herd and are buying shoes, shampoo, or strategic ideas because Tiger Woods, a TV guru, or some other bigshot tells you to? Or are you listening carefully, thinking critically, and making your own informed judgments about what you hear?

Let me know what you think.

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You have just witnessed big-time small talk.  And that same scenario is true for all of us. A presentation starts long before people sit down at the conference room table.  The small talk at the beginning of a meeting – and for the weeks and months before that –establishes your personal and professional presence.  Your self-confidence shows and conveys that you’re comfortable, approachable and self-aware.  So in a way, small talk is one of the most important communications skills and sales presentation skills.   Certainly, it’s one of the defining characteristics of executive presence.

Even if you’re not making a major presentation, the ability to comfortably handle coffee-room small talk with your managers, peers and reports builds your credibility. It’s one of the leadership skills that builds trust in you and your abilities to connect, adapt and meet the world with confidence.

While some people seem to be natural at small talk, most of us need a little coaching and practice.  Even the people on TV have handlers who prep them and help them develop talking points.  Here’s a little small talk primer for all of us.

Prepare before you go. 

Brush up on local happenings or light news.  I know one woman who always skims the sports pages so she’s able to make small talk with her male clients. Read through a popular culture magazine for some timely topics. What are the reviews of a recent movie?  Check the New York Times best-seller list.  Restaurant reviews.  Even a recent news story – just avoid controversial topics or politics. 

Make business meetings work. 

 The small-talk time should be brief. Your goal is to establish rapport before getting started, priming everyone for a positive meeting. You might want to comment on the building or ask about the facility.  Notice an award or trophy.  You may also want to mention a colleague you have in common through work or your extracurricular life, if appropriate.

Networking events: relationships that get down to business.

All the topics for a business meeting are appropriate for networking events.  In addition, you may be able to chat about the purpose of the event.  Is it a fundraiser?  Talk about your and your conversation mate’s connection to the event.  You can share professional information (“What do you do when you’re not raising funds for the Cancer Society?”).   And, believe it or not, the weather is almost always a good place to start.

By the way, the goal of a networking event isn’t to build the fattest stack of business cards.  It’s about starting a relationship, so less may be more.  Make a genuine connection with someone, then exchange business cards as appropriate.

Ask a question.  Then really listen.

It’s what the teen magazines said about meeting people at your first high school dance.  And it’s still true today. Ask a question and you make a connection. Plus, you’re likely to uncover topics to keep the conversation going. 

Be sure you’re really listening, too.  Others sense whether you’re being genuine or just going through the motions.  You know the people who ask a question, then look past your left ear for their next target? Don’t be one of them.  Really listening means responding and having a dialog. It conveys authenticity and gives you a basis for future conversations. 

Feeling shy?  Breathe.  And smile.

Stand with an open posture and breathe deeply. A deep breath helps you relax, focus and smile.  If meeting people makes you nervous maybe the meeting organizer or the event host can introduce you to a few people to help break the ice. If you’re the person in charge, make that effort for others.  Some people get over their butterflies by setting a goal for the number of new contacts to make, and then make a game out of achieving it. Sounds less intimidating, doesn’t it?

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Wow! I am completely elated.  I need to pinch myself. My dream has become a reality. Me–enrolled in a premiere coaching school, internationally acclaimed and accredited by the International Coach Federation. Yes!!!!!

What was I thinking an hour later (better yet 24 hours later, when the thoughts had become pervasive)?

How in h*** am I going to accomplish this? What was I thinking? And even more importantly, how am I going to do it to perfection?

What was I thinking after I had a chance to decompress, get a little bit (ok, a lot) of sleep, and sort through my assignments and commitments?

Knock it off, Luanne. This is your biggest enemy to learning – the need to get it right. If you don’t begin to look at learning as an opportunity to make mistakes–get it all wrong–you won’t learn what you need to. Always cautious and careful – never daring to take a risk.

What am I thinking now?

With this new awareness, I can make some better choices. First, I can reframe what it means to learn something. Maybe I need to frame learning as knowing something in my heart and soul. Knowing something isn’t getting others to say, “Wow! Look at how well you did.” Or getting universal approval. Knowing something is about experiencing it, feeling it in my body and emotionally connecting with it. It’s also about being able to apply what I have learned to make a difference in the world. I may be able to make a bigger difference by having experienced it “wrong” once or twice.

And finally, learning is really about the joy of getting curious – discovering something new – rather than the emotional pain that comes with having to be perfect. It’s about exploring the unknown and the undiscovered – in others and in myself.

What are your enemies of learning? What is keeping you from knowing? Consider the following possibilities as presented by Chalmers Brothers, author of Language and the Pursuit of Happiness. Is it:

• Your inability to admit, “I don’t know”?
• Your belief that you should already know?
• Your distrust of the person teaching you?
• Your making everything overly significant?
• Your forgetting that your body is a domain of learning? Practice is putting your body into it. When you don’t practice, you don’t get results. The capacity for new action is about doing. It’s not head learning or memorization.

Choose to “befriend” the following, as suggested by Chalmers:

• Willingness to declare “I don’t know”
• Listening
• Openness
• Respect and admiration for your “teacher”
• Willingness to question your own questions
• A mood of perplexity and curiosity

Who knows what you might learn and what you might accomplish as a result? Vanquish your own enemies to learning and a universe of knowledge can be yours.

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If giving feedback is this taxing on a boss, think of how it can seem to the recipient. No one likes to be judged and found wanting. If you remember, one definition of the word criticism is: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly, to evaluate. But even if the intent is to be constructive and the criticism we receive has positive features, we still latch onto the negative comments and translate them into: I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, or worse, I’m a bad person.

These destructive thoughts are the first things that have to go. If you perceive negative feedback as an attack on your worth as a human being, you’re digging yourself a big hole to climb out of before you can accept the comments as useful. You are shaping the meaning of the feedback, turning it into something that doesn’t exist. The idea is to grow personally and professionally and to take your skills to the next level. You can’t do that without accepting legitimate feedback from other people.

It would be great if everyone you encounter had read last week’s post and was an outstanding communicator, skilled in providing feedback so it was readily accepted. But that’s not always the case. It’s because folks are so uncomfortable with the task of criticizing that they often word their statements in ways that cause hurt and misunderstandings.

When you’re told you’ve done something wrong, it’s tempting to try and explain it away. “But this is why,” you say, and you launch into a lengthy attempt at justification. This way lies danger. If you’re not fully exonerated by your explanation (which is unlikely), it’s apt to digress into an argument about why you thought wrong, and you’ll end up more and more defensive—more and more uptight and angry.

Therefore, it’s up to you, the recipient, to manage the exchange so you stay in command of yourself and your brain is able to process and sort out what you’re being told. Here’s what you can do to get the most you possibly can out of a feedback session.

• Sit in an open posture with your muscles relaxed. This includes relaxing the muscles of your face so you don’t frown throughout the entire conversation. Guard against the inclination to close up when you hear something you don’t like.
• Breathe. Deep breathing will keep you relaxed and centered, especially if or when your mind begins to race.
• You can keep your emotions under control by maintaining a positive inner monologue. In spite of how it’s coming across, she has good intent. Or, He’s probably very uncomfortable and it’s having an impact on how he’s saying things.
• Listen. You don’t need to agree or disagree with what’s being said. Simply listen.
• Ask for clarification. Can you give me an example?  Is this what you meant? (and you give an example).
• If, in spite of everything, you feel your emotions ramping up, request a cooling-off period. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Can we schedule some time to discuss it once I’ve had time to process it?

At all times, keep the conversation focused on what you can do to improve, not how you can become a different person. You don’t want to become a different person; you only want to better your skills.

You cannot control what the other person says, or how he is says it, but you can control your responses. In doing so, you’ll not only learn how to improve on the job, but you’ll raise your communication skills to a higher level. How’s that for feedback?

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Not so fast.  No presentation is complete until you’ve considered your audience.  Why?  The person who’s hearing your message brings his or her own way of interpreting the world to the conference room table.  To communicate successfully, you need to take that into account.  Every conversation is a collaboration.  You need to send messages in a way that the listener is truly able to receive them.  Think of it this way: if you’re throwing a football and your listener is holding a tennis racket, there’s no way to score.  Better communication skills can help you convey information in a way that makes you more persuasive, a better negotiator, a stronger leader.

Psychological research suggests a person tends to respond to communication in one of four styles:  dominance, influence, steadiness or compliance. The styles aren’t good or bad – just different.  When you learn to “speak the language” of others, you’re likely to make the most progress.  And remember, it’s not just what you say that counts — how you say something is just as important.  Human beings are wired to respond to the expressive quality of our communication.  So our speaking style and body language are all part of the message.

Let’s look at the four communication styles and ways to address them.

1.  Dominance.  Think of the dominant person as a “bottom-line” type – direct, active, competitive, results-oriented. She is focused on speed,  flexibility, and achieving results.

Approach: “Cut to the chase.”  Be crisp and to the point.  How are you solving a problem? Moving the organization ahead? If you’re naturally gregarious, you’ll want to tone it down for the bottom-line personality.  Quiet hands, serious demeanor, limited small talk are all effective.

2.  Influence. This person is characterized as expressive, fun, creative, friendly, adventuresome, spontaneous. He is people-oriented, values recognition for himself and others, and focuses on  challenges and action.

Approach: Address people issues with an influencer.  Keep in mind that your spontaneity and passion – in word and body language – will help him respond to your proposal.  A stolid, grim delivery will interfere with message transmission.

3.  Steadiness.  This is someone who values concern, dependability, consideration and cooperation. Appreciation is good, conflict brings discomfort. Feelings and relationships are important.

Approach: How ideas are implemented is important to him.  Will it disrupt good systems? Have you thought through how to eliminate snafus to help keep people in their comfort zones?  Be sure not to rush through or brush off his concerns, either in words or manner. 

4.  Compliance.  Solutions that are safe and proven rank high with this analytical type.  She looks for logic, accuracy, precision, efficiency.  The wise course means proceeding with caution to ensure quality and no mistakes.

Approach: Understand that this person will want to know that you’ve thought through the details. You’ve planned for disruptions so nobody drops the ball.  Even if you’re in the early stages of a project, you may want to outline the steps to assure her of a careful process.  Close attention to details will win the day when your personal excitement or anticipation of potential of results will make no difference at all.

 But, what if you’re talking to someone you don’t know?  A sales prospect?  A new team member?  A consultant?  That’s when you use what may be the most powerful communication skill of all: listening.  Put your script aside.  Look the person in the eye.  Ask questions.  Watch for signs that reveal his or her communication style.  As you’re watching and listening, you’ll be able to adapt your message accordingly. 

Want to know more about motivating and persuading others? Click here.

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My knowledge of emotional intelligence took hold, and I couldn’t simply walk away complaining, “It’s all his fault.” So I decided to step up to the plate, practice what I teach at VoicePro®, and use some tried and true communication skills. The first step was to gain a deeper understanding by analyzing what had taken place. The analysis went something like this:

Needless to say, tension was high. Drawers were slammed, and the goodbyes were a bit less loving. For both of us, the day started off all wrong. 

So, having analyzed the exchange, what can I take away? What responsibility do I have for this not-so-happy outcome? What leadership and communication skills could I have employed?

• I could have paid attention to the climate – what was going on around us that might have interfered with good communication.
• When I saw his “head in the computer,” I might have noted it was not the time to remark, “I need to leave early tomorrow,” and expect him to hear me.
• I could have communicated my expectations more clearly. If I needed him to take an early shower, it might have helped if I had shared that expectation with him before the fact.
• I could have recognized that sometimes it’s not worth being right.

Yes, I did tell him I needed to leave early the next morning. So what? He didn’t hear me. The mere fact that I needed to prove I had told him escalated emotion on both our parts. Now we both needed to be right. Now we both dug our heels in. Now neither of us was listening.

To avoid a negative interaction with someone important in your life – whether at work or at home – follow the advice we give in  Results & Relationships™ :

1. When you’re communicating, pay attention to the climate.
2. Communicate what you expect.
3. Remind yourself that sometimes being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

If things do go wrong and you have an unintended flare-up, analyze what took place for a deeper understanding. Use the left hand/right hand column approach (as I did), paying attention to thoughts and feelings, as well as actions and words. It’s amazing what you’ll learn.

Image by Mintball 

The global economy is ever expanding, and those of us who do business abroad can’t afford to jeopardize our foreign relationships through inexperience or lack of knowledge. Here are some tips to help you avoid these pitfalls.

• Be mindful of how meeting and greeting differs from country to country. Knowing exactly what to expect in an initial introduction will eliminate the potential for embarrassment.
• Learn when and how to “get down to business.” It’s customary for North Americans to want to make the deal, shake hands, and move on. In many countries, acting this way is offensive; moderate your preoccupation with deadlines and take the lead from your hosts.
• Be mindful of nonverbal signals. Americans are often considered too open and expansive. To counteract this, maintain an initial reserve and observe the customs of the country before jumping in.

  In addition, before you leave home, find the answers to the following questions. 

• What is their concept of time? Do they like small talk or do they want to get down to business? How long does it take to make decisions? Are they punctual? Other countries move at a much different pace than the United States. It’s best to check this out before leaving home.
• What is the importance of hierarchy and authority? Some countries are team-oriented, others are individualistic, and others much more formal.
• What are their rules of interpersonal behavior? What do they consider a violation of personal space. Do they make eye contact? Is a firm handshake a sign of self-confidence or an overt use of power?
• What are their core values? How much importance do they place on family, social status, income? What is their code of honor? How does this code impact their way of doing business?

While this information can enhance any business relationship, it’s absolutely critical when doing business in other countries. Observe the business practices of your foreign business associates, respect their customs, and adhere to their practices with courtesy and understanding. Following this advice may well smooth the path to lasting and lucrative relationships abroad.

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When a person hears bad news, alarm bells go off. The instantaneous reaction is: DANGER! Your mind races, your heart pounds, your hands get clammy and your stomach churns. You go into survival mode. “What about me?” your inner voice clamors. ”How will this affect me? What can I do to keep myself secure?”

We’ve been witnessing this emotional fight or flight roller coaster since the beginning of the recession. Every time the stock market drops, another local company announces layoffs or, worse, closes its doors forever, our thoughts race to how we, individually, can keep ourselves safe when life is spiraling out of control.  Every time we hear another piece of bad news, we must deal with our churning emotions and brace ourselves once again for sleepless nights.

When news is bad, there’s a danger of shutting down emotionally before the whole story can be absorbed. Clear thinking disappears, and it becomes impossible to reason oneself into a state of calm awareness. Certainly, when the message isn’t what you want to hear, mindful listening becomes more and more of a challenge. This is just as true at work as it is anywhere else.

A client relayed her experience of bad news that would have derailed her career had she not caught herself in time. It’s a good example of how we all need to listen carefully and respond with reasoned consideration when we’re hit with a very tough message.

Maria read the bad news in the morning paper. The company was closing her division. On her car radio, commentators were censuring the corporate decision in impassioned terms. By the time she got to work, she was in a state of panic. It didn’t help to walk into the office and find groups of anxious people buzzing with concern—each ugly rumor more frightening then the last. The entire office was in a state of meltdown.

At first, Maria felt herself losing control. Then she stopped and took a deep breath. Silently, inside herself, she acknowledged her fear, but made the wise decision not to let it stand in her way. Instead, she waited quietly in her office until the company meeting, where she heard her bosses describe the situation and lay out the facts. She listened with an open mind and, in so doing, learned things weren’t quite as disastrous as the reporters had made it sound. Over the next few weeks, she stayed open, studied her options, and looked for ways to salvage what she could. She was also careful not to get hooked into the gossiping and rumor mongering of her coworkers.

 As a result of careful listening and judicious decision-making, Maria accepted a transfer to a smaller division, where she eventually became its chief operating officer. A highly successful executive today, she looks back on that experience as a key step in the advancement of her career. She’s grateful she didn’t shut down initially from anger and frustration. She’s grateful she took the time to listen.

So, when you get hit with bad news, follow this helpful advice:

• Stop, settle yourself, and take a deep breath.
• Get the facts. Identify rumors for what they are, set them aside, and learn the real story.
• Accept that the fear, anger, and frustration you feel is a natural part of your emotional state. But, don’t let those emotions drive your behavior.
• Stay open throughout.
• Weigh your options. Think them through carefully before making a decision.

Listening with an open mind, whether the news is good or bad, is the beginning of wisdom. Surviving the current onslaught of tough messages will be easier if you listen, learn, and take control of your emotions.

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While the outcomes of the summit, and its ramifications for the country, won’t become clear for a long time, I also believe it has given us a great opportunity to review the principles of facilitation. At one time or another, almost all of us find ourselves charged with facilitating a group session, and it can be a wonderful experience. At the same time, it requires a clear understanding of your role and a willingness to go out on a limb to assure a satisfying conclusion for everyone involved.

As the facilitator of a group you are more than the guardian of an agenda. You are the coordinator and the director of the discussion. You are the keeper of the process. You must make clear what’s expected of each individual and make sure everything proceeds as planned. Even though you will be working with a diverse group of personalities, it is up to you to keep the group focused so that objectives are met. In short, it’s your job to keep your ducks in a row–everything and everyone on track.

Getting Things Started

Your opening remarks provide you with an opportunity to set an energetic and positive tone. Build rapport with the group by stating your own objectivity; you’ll sabotage the whole affair if they think you have an axe to grind. 

Here are some guidelines for getting off to a good start:

• Announce the topic of discussion is and explain why it’s important.
• State the goal of the session: We’re here to determine whether or not to go forward. Or: When we’re finished here, we’ll have a new contract. Or: By the end of today, we’ll know what we agree on and what we don’t. Ask for agreement on the goal; watch for nods that signal acceptance.
• Lay out the framework and ground rules. Explain how you will make sure the rules are followed and that it’s your responsibility to do so. 

During the Meeting

To put it mildly, our legislators at the health care summit didn’t enter into the discussion in a neutral frame of mind. Rarely does anyone come into a facilitated session totally impartial. People come with their energy, expectations, interests, perceptions, concerns, and emotions on the line. Drawing such disparate individuals into a cohesive group allows the facilitator to draw on the collective diversity of each member.  For a cooperative and highly interactive environment that yields successful results:

• Involve everyone. Recognize their diversity, value it, and encourage open communication.
• Establish listening as an important part of everyone’s responsibility. To keep the process moving smoothly, it’s important to reinforce the fact that points of view can (and usually will) differ. At the same time, recognizing and respecting the other person’s view does not require you to agree with it.
• If something is unclear, ask for clarification, then occasional summaries of what has been said.
• When it seems you have agreement on a topic, test for consensus.
• Recognize and manage disruptive behaviors by not permitting excessive examples, time domination, digression to personal agendas, interruptions or intimidation.

Keep Your Eye on the Prize.

If things get tense and emotions erupt, keep your cool. Sit back, relax your shoulders, and breathe. Remind the group what they’re working for and the value a good outcome will have for everyone. It sometimes becomes evident the stated goal won’t be reached in this meeting. If that’s the case, stop, regroup, and set a new goal—one that’s more realistic and can be achieved. At the end of the session, summarize succinctly, indicate next steps, and thank everyone for his or her respectful participation.

The strength of your leadership can be a huge influence on the success of a high-stakes facilitated session. By keeping your eye on the prize, you can mold and shape a process that leads to outcomes beneficial to everyone involved.

 I’d love to hear your stories. Keep me posted.

Image by Jocelyne H