Don’t Criticize Me, I’m Too Sensitive (Criticism Part 1)

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on April 5th, 2010 | 0 Comments

How many times have I thought that in my life? Too many to count. How many times have I actually said it? Probably none, although my body language has undoubtedly screamed it loud and clear whenever I’ve felt I’ve been judged too harshly.

The workplace is supposed to be an environment ruled by reason and logic, where feelings, i.e., emotions, have no place. Work relationships, however, are built on emotions. Emotions that are fragile and so very easily damaged. We women joke about the “male ego,” rolling our eyes when we encounter it in the men with whom we work. And women quiver with unexpressed anger when told by their male counterparts, “You’re overreacting. Don’t be so sensitive.”

The truth is we are all touchy about what we perceive as negative judgments about who we are as human beings—certainly more than we’d like to admit. Comments about what I’m doing wrong can quickly disintegrate into: I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, or worse, I’m a bad person. That’s what makes performance appraisals difficult for all parties, the giver feeling awkward and uncomfortable in the role of judge and the receiver feeling bitter and/or betrayed by yet another negative evaluation.

Two definitions of criticize are relevant here. The first is: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly, to evaluate. This definition is most often applied to literary and artistic venues and is assumed to be the role of theater, art or music critics. But it’s also the charge assigned to anyone who must make an evaluation of someone else, for any reason at all.

The second definition is: to stress the faults of. Whatever the intent of the giver, the receiver almost always views an appraisal in this light. All we hear is commentary on our faults. In fact, it is so emotionally charged, hardly anyone uses the word criticize anymore. Instead, we speak of giving and receiving feedback, as if a word change will make harsh judgments more acceptable.

I’ll discuss how to gracefully receive feedback in my comments next week. Today, however, let’s look at the practice of giving it.

In 1991, I was first introduced to an extraordinary little book entitled, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, by Roger Fisher, William L. Ury, and Bruce Patton. In this book, the authors who have been part of the Harvard Negotiation Project, offer a simple yet profound piece of advice that changed my life. If I could choose words I wish I had written and make them mine, these would be the words: Be hard on the problem and soft on the people.

Remember these words when you’re giving feedback to another person. Whether it’s a formal appraisal or a casual conversation, you must evaluate what he is doing, not who he is or the content of his character. You can value her as a human being and not be happy with her actions. When you stress the worthiness of the other person, you’re in a better position to examine the choices he or she is making.

Here are the two features of the VoicePro® method of giving feedback:

  1. From your vantage point as the giver of the feedback, state what it is about the other person’s behavior that worked . . . and why. I liked the way you handled the meeting, because you avoided arguments and kept the group working together.
  2. Now, state what you need from the other person in order to improve the situation . . . and why. Next time I believe it would help if you were to end the meeting on time, because people have other, equally important, commitments.

Be hard on the problem and soft on the people. By reinforcing the inherent worthiness of others, while at the same time pointing out areas where they can improve the work they do, you’ll move your moments of criticism to a high art.

Next week, I’ll address the equally sensitive issue of how to receive feedback and get your money’s worth out of it. Stay tuned.

Image by raumoberbayern

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