How Do You Respond to Conflict?

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on June 16th, 2010 | 0 Comments

How do you respond to conflict? When you and another person are locked in battle, what do you usually say? What do you usually do?

Before you answer those questions, let’s take a look at what conflict actually is. A simple definition is found in Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary: “the struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing interests, wants, needs, or desires.” A teenager’s craving to be independent clashes with a parent’s need to keep the kid from getting into trouble. A manager’s goal of achieving higher results with fewer resources (which might mean overtime) collides with the employee’s goal of balancing work and personal life. A company must cut costs in order to stay profitable, yet the employees aren’t about to give up their health benefits.

In each of these cases, the interests or needs of one party are opposed by the interests or needs of the other. As the parties struggle to achieve their own goals, conflict ensues and often escalates as they dig their heels in and defend their own positions.

Social scientists have identified five fairly common responses to conflict: denial, avoidance, accommodation, force, and negotiation (or collaboration).

Denial

To deny a problem is to pretend it doesn’t exist. Denial can be comforting. It seems to ease the pressure; if you refuse to recognize the problem, there’s nothing to worry about and you won’t have to take any action. But this is false complacency, because, whatever your reasons, your denial of the problem won’t make it go away. In fact, it will make everyone around you crazy, which is a surefire way to escalate the conflict.

Avoidance

Have you ever noticed that when you get the job, you get a phone call, but when you don’t get the job, a letter comes in the mail? Some people will go to almost any length to avoid confrontation; they want to protect themselves from unpleasantness and strife. As a short-term tactic, avoidance can provide a cooling off period. But in the long run, avoidance, like denial, does nothing to ease the conflict and will only prolong a difficult situation.

Accommodation

Accommodators believe peace and harmony are worth whatever price is demanded. They just can’t say no. If you are a people pleaser, you want everyone to be happy, even at your own expense. Doing nice things for people isn’t a bad thing; kindness and accommodation are an integral part of any healthy relationship. But don’t be misled. Habitual acquiescence establishes patterns that can be difficult to break. If you keep giving in, folks will continue to take advantage of you.

Force

On the other hand, forcers use the power of their position or their personality to control. They make unilateral decisions and let you know in no uncertain terms that they are never wrong. Sometimes forcers are shouters and sometimes they are the strong, silent types. Either way, they rule by intimidation, and people back down because they don’t feel strong enough, or don’t know how to fight back. There are times (in the midst of a crisis, for example) when it’s appropriate to make use of power to get things done. The chronic use of force, however, destroys teamwork and inhibits group participation. Over time it will exacerbate the very conflict it’s meant to control.

Negotiation

To negotiate is to reach a settlement by conference, discussion, or compromise. At its best, negotiation doesn’t end until both parties feel they’re winners, and when the person you’re negotiating with is also a colleague in life or in business, a mutually beneficial, negotiated settlement is a worthy goal.  Negotiation is neither quick nor easy. It demands patience, diplomacy, expert communication skills, and a strong desire to give satisfaction to the other side. In the long run, a successful negotiation is the way to a lasting peace.

Take a look at your own conflict response style. When you’re in the midst of a difficult situation, ask yourself, What am I saying? What am I doing? And more importantly, Am I responding in an appropriate manner—for myself and for those around me?

Excerpted from the book, Creating Balance: Moving Out of Conflict into Compatibility, by Carolyn Dickson. Oakhill Press, 1997.

Image by Diamond Hoo Ha Man

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