I’m Human Too!

Luanne PaynickPosted by Luanne Paynick on April 9th, 2010 | 0 Comments

I recently had an experience that reminded me that I am human. Even though I teach people to communicate more effectively, I recently found myself in the middle of an interaction that, to be quite honest, I’m not proud of. That interaction was with someone who is important in my life. Instead of handling myself in a calm, objective and “in command of me” manner, I got angry, lost control, and showed no empathy. (Shame on me, I do this for a living!) At the conclusion, I even jumped immediately to fault finding (of course he was wrong). After several rounds of (in my head, of course), “How could he?” “What an insensitive person,” another voice began to make its presence known. “Put yourself in his shoes,” it whispered. And, “How did I sound and look when I said what I said?” Darn!

My knowledge of emotional intelligence took hold, and I couldn’t simply walk away complaining, “It’s all his fault.” So I decided to step up to the plate, practice what I teach at VoicePro®, and use some tried and true communication skills. The first step was to gain a deeper understanding by analyzing what had taken place. The analysis went something like this:

I thought or felt / He thought or felt . . . I said / He said . . .
I thought/feltWhat are you thinking? I have to leave early today! Thanks a lot. (My voice was strong and my face reflected anger and irritation.)He thought/felt

He had a look of surprise and confusion. He was possibly thinking, “What does my taking a shower have to do with anything?

I thought/felt

I sounded urgent. I was thinking, “I told you last night I had to leave early. You weren’t listening.”I’m sure he felt frustrated by my attack.

I thought/felt

“Come on!! Don’t you remember? You always have your head in the computer and you don’t listen.”

He thought/felt

He was really ticked and was probably thinking, “What’s your problem? You are disrupting my schedule and you don’t even have the courtesy to give me a heads up.”

I thought/felt 

I was angry. I thought, “Whether I did or not isn’t the issue. Just go ahead and get in the d— shower?”

 I saidYou haven’t gotten in the shower yet?He said,

No. Why? 

I said,

I have to leave early today.

He said,

Well, why didn’t you tell me? You know, all I need is a heads up.

I said,

I did tell you last night!

He said,

No you didn’t!

I said,

Yes, I did. Not that it is any big deal at this point.

Needless to say, tension was high. Drawers were slammed, and the goodbyes were a bit less loving. For both of us, the day started off all wrong. 

So, having analyzed the exchange, what can I take away? What responsibility do I have for this not-so-happy outcome? What leadership and communication skills could I have employed?

  • I could have paid attention to the climate – what was going on around us that might have interfered with good communication.
  • When I saw his “head in the computer,” I might have noted it was not the time to remark, “I need to leave early tomorrow,” and expect him to hear me.
  • I could have communicated my expectations more clearly. If I needed him to take an early shower, it might have helped if I had shared that expectation with him before the fact.
  • I could have recognized that sometimes it’s not worth being right.

Yes, I did tell him I needed to leave early the next morning. So what? He didn’t hear me. The mere fact that I needed to prove I had told him escalated emotion on both our parts. Now we both needed to be right. Now we both dug our heels in. Now neither of us was listening.

To avoid a negative interaction with someone important in your life – whether at work or at home – follow the advice we give in  Results & Relationships™ :

  1. When you’re communicating, pay attention to the climate.
  2. Communicate what you expect.
  3. Remind yourself that sometimes being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

If things do go wrong and you have an unintended flare-up, analyze what took place for a deeper understanding. Use the left hand/right hand column approach (as I did), paying attention to thoughts and feelings, as well as actions and words. It’s amazing what you’ll learn.

Image by Mintball 

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