Where Does Your Finger Point?

Carolyn DicksonPosted by Carolyn Dickson on March 22nd, 2010 | 0 Comments

Throughout my career at VoicePro®,I’ve continued to be amazed at how skilled people are at finding someone to blame for the problems they’re having with other people. When I ask clients to describe their current conflicts and what they think are the causes, it’s always the other guy’s fault. He is argumentative. She is always complaining. They don’t do things the way they should. The finger always points outward. If they would just change, everything would be fine.

The reality is we can’t change other people, no matter how much we want to. No matter how much they need changing. No matter how much they’re disrupting the way we lead our lives and the way we do business. The moment we try to make other people change, they dig in their heels and resist with all their might.

In any relationship, patterns of behavior are set up that tend to repeat themselves—over and over again—much like a dance. The finger-pointing method of resolving interpersonal problems implies that it’s up to the other person to break the pattern. If and when that happens, we’ll be happy to dance along to the new step. However, if we wait for someone else to take the lead, the dance is unlikely to change, and we’ll bumble along as always, forever stepping on one another’s toes.

A much better way is for us to change our behavior, to interrupt the dance by altering our steps. We’re likely to experience some stumbling around at first. But with a steady resolve, we’ll gradually draw our colleague into a new pattern, and eventually we’ll have begun a new and more satisfying dance.

The big question is: How is that done? Consider approching scenarios such as these with a mindset of personal responsibility. It goes like this: I am responsible for the success of each and every one of my relationships. This means that if you are clashing with another person at work or if you’re dealing with a “difficult” personality, it does no good to play the victim and spend your time moaning and complaining. It’s up to you to take the first step in mending the relationship.

A simple philosophy, yet profound. One that requires skill and great determination to accomplish. And a lifetime of attention. Here are some steps that will get you off to the right start.

  • Embrace this VoicePro® philosophy. Repeat out loud to yourself, “I am responsible for the success of each and every one of my relationships.” Print these words on a card and tape it to the wall of your office, your kitchen, your bathroom mirror. Carry it in your wallet. Read, think and say these words to yourself over and over again. Embed them in your mind.
  • If you’re engaged in ongoing conflict with someone with whom you must work closely, pay close attention to how you’re playing out the dance. Note where your actions reinforce the patterns of chronic negativism that seem to define the relationship.
  • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would he describe what’s going on? Would she point her finger at you and tell you what you’re doing wrong? What exactly would he or she say?
  • Examine those imagined words about you for the nuggets of truth that will likely be there. Are you so results-oriented you forget to check with other people before you take action? Do you shut down, hiding your feelings so no one has a clue what you’re thinking? Or do you display other “difficult” behaviors that keep you from working cooperatively with your colleagues. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll be able to identify those traits that get you in trouble.
  • Then quietly, without a lot of fuss, alter your own behavior accordingly and begin a new dance. Watch your colleague closely and reward even a hint of an encouraging response with positive reinforcement of your own.

This practice may take time and many repetitions until your colleague recognizes the different approach and responds with a new dance of his own. It’s well worth the effort, however, and will reward you with meaningful and satisfying relationships throughout your professional career. Guaranteed.

 Image by mario zucca illustration

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